Day 2

I did not weigh myself today. In order to face the reality that my body will not change over night, I had to fight the desire to get on the scale to see what yesterday's results were. I have to start looking for daily results in places other than the scale. So where to look today?? I feel really good about this whole new approach thing. To be honest, and I know I'll have to be along this journey, I consciously knew that I would not lose all of my 92.5 pounds in one day, but every morning when I stepped on the scale I was looking for some kind of payoff. I was looking to be one pound less and when it wasn't, it was like a free ticket to do whatever I wanted because obviously the previous day wasn't worth it.

I feel like something has clicked and I really realized that this is not going to be over in day. 52 weeks from now I'd like to be pretty darn close to my goal of 150 pounds. At 2 pounds a week that would put me at 140 pounds. Setting my goal is the part I struggle with. According to my BMI and to charts (which I've never really paid too much attention to), 150 is a healthy BMI for my height. That's 92.5 pounds and 140 pounds would be 104 pounds. When I look at myself, I realize that I am overweight and that I need to lose a significant amount of weight, but 104 pounds, heck even 92.5 pounds seems like a lot. I don't want to cut myself short and say I'll only lose 30 pounds, but 104 seems like so much. I guess admitting that I have that much to lose is part of the struggle of setting a goal. I wish there was a way around setting a number goal, but there just doesn't seem like there is. I could say that I want to get healthier and more active and it would be true, but it's not the whole truth. The reality is that I want to lose weight - a lot of weight and in order to get there I will need to be healthier and more active and be much more honest with myself.

That's the point of this whole thing I guess; to be more honest with myself. If I can write out what I feel every day and what I do every day to help me get to my goal, then maybe, just maybe, I can finally overcome this lifelong hurdle.

7/15 - No carbs again. I did a lot today before I ate and I know that it's not the healthiest way to go, but things just get in the way. I also went for a 30 min walk this morning with the boys. I walked hard and sweated my ass off. I chose not to run every other block like I did last week because I know that when I run, I tend to walk a bit more slowly on the blocks when I have to walk. So I walked hard pretty much the whole time. When I came home I also did 10 push ups; 15 of three different types of bicep curls; and 15 of 3 different types of triceps.

The hope is to go for a walk again later - doubt I'll make it to the gym with no one to watch the boys and that's ok. I just have to really go for the second walk and really push myself.

My Journey to 150

It has to be pound by pound, but I am determined to get down to 150. That's a whopping 92.5 pounds to go as of today. Don't get me wrong - I love my babies more than anything and I would have gained a thousand pounds if it meant that they were safe and sound, but being pregnant really took a toll on my body and I am currently the most upset, depressed, grossed out and stressed I've ever been about my weight. I can't ever remember a day that I didn't think about my weight. Ever since I was a little girl, my weight has been an issue. The funny thing is that when I look back at pictures from high school (when I thought I was GIGANTIC) I see an amazingly beautiful girl. I wish I was her all over again; I wish I could go back in time and shake her to her senses and tell her how gorgeous she is; make her realize that every minute she wastes thinking about her weight and her body is a minute she uses on feeding her fears; becoming less confident; beating herself down.

I know that I won't lose 20 lbs in a week; this is going to be a pound by pound journey. It's going to be a long one too, but I can not beat myself up anymore. I have to have the confidence to know that I can make it; that I can be the woman I want to be and not just in looks or in weight, but in confidence and self acceptance. I have to make this the first day of a new life.

So here's what I did today on my journey to 150: yardwork for 45 mins; the gym for 1.5 hours (2 classes); and no carbs. The first class was a killer. It was step aerobics for 45 mins and while I didn't get all of the moves, after not having been to the gym consistently for almost a year, I did pretty damn well! I sweated my ass off and it was great. The next class was OK. I wasn't thrilled with the instructor; she just seemed a bit off, but the important part is that I still stayed. Ok so my butt and gutt don't feel too much different today, but I did it!!!

I love my babies

I can't believe they are almost 2 weeks old. I really do feel like my water just broke this morning and that we just got them, and then on the other hand it really feels like they have been here all along. I'll be very honest here - it was really hard to be head over heels in love with them right away. I was exhausted, in pain, swollen, overwhelmed and unbelievably frustrated with breast feeding that I had a really hard time bonding with them right away. Now that I'm not BF'ing and I've tried to calm down and take a "wait and see" approach to pumping, I really feel like I'm able to really enjoy them soooo much more. My heart absolutely melts everytime I see them and I actually don't dread feeding times - well except the 4 am one, but who wouldn't resent that!

In retrospect, I wish I hadnt stuck so hard to my breastfeeding routine in the hospital. It wasnt working then and I dont know why I didnt see that it wasnt. I feel like I really missed out on their first few days, but now just thinking about that, it makes it a whole lot easier to look at this pumping situation from different eyes. Yes feeding them breast milk is important to me, but not being a good mom for ANY reason is just not acceptable to me. I have to be able to more than feed them and if all I can focus on is their meals then I am not focusing on loving them as much as I can. Just realizing that fact alone makes me a better mommy and that is the most important thing to me! OMG I can't believe I'm a mommy!!! How crazy is that?!?!

My Birth Story

I can't believe i get to post this especially since they weren't "scheduled" to be born until this Friday, but here goes.

Sunday 4/5 7:30 pm - took my last terbutaline and joyfully threw the bottle away! At this point I was secretly hoping that things would hapen sooner rather than later because Iwas just miserable, but at the same time I was totally expecting to make it to my scheduled c-section on Friday 4/18. I was having contractions pretty much the entire time I was on the terbutaline, but they weren't horrible. Looking back, I had A LOT of contractions that weekend and they were getting much worse, but I just attributed it to the general feeling of crappiness that I was growing accustomed to.

Monday 4/6 3 pm - Had my weekly OB appointment and was slightly disappointed that there as no progress. My cervix had shortened but no dialation. My blood pressure was also starting to creep up, but my urine was negative and I was so close to the end anyway that there was no real concern. That night Jamie and I went shopping and I really think the walking around (for almost an hour because it took me forever to do anything pregnant) helped move things along.

Tuesday 4/7 - Ironically, I had a really great night sleep - the last for a while! I got up to pee around 6:30 am and my water broke. I was so nervous that if my water ever did break that I would confuse it for peeing myself, but there was no second guessing this. Jamie woke up and helped me get situated and we called the doctor. The boys were going to make their apprearance TODAY!!!! I called my mom and we all headed to the hospital.

From the moment we got to the hospital to the time the boys were born was only about 2.5-3 hours, but the odd thing was that it was very calm and not rushed at all. They got me all hooked up and it took the nurses FOREVER to find Jack's heartbeat. They wouldn't listen to me about where he was which pissed me off so much especially because they kept looking at each other all concerned that he was in distress or worse. Then my OB came in and told them THE SAME THING I told them about where he was and wouldn't you know it - ughh.

I was wheeled down to the OR at about 9:45 or so. The room was a lot smaller than I thought it would be and I was defintely nervous at this point. I was really nervous for the epidural because since I wasn't really having contractions I was worried that I would really feel the epi. It turns out that it wasn't bad at all and in a minute I had no feeling whatsoever. Then they brought Jamie in and things got started.

Jack Rory was born at 10:17 am weighing 5 lbs 7oz and measuring 18.5 inches long and Brayden James was born a minute later weighing 5 lbs 14 oz and measuring 18.5 inches as well. They did amazingly well right away and went right to the regular nursery where they stayed the entire time we were at the hospital. Jack had a little bit of a blood sugar issue so they gave him a bottle right away and he did just fine. They just monitored his bloodsugar for the first day.

By the time I was out of recovery and the boys were all situated it was about 2 pm - a lot longer than I had expected, but I was so exhausted from the epidural that I didn't really care. When I saw my sons for the first time I was just shocked! I was in love right away!

I stayed in the hospital an extra day and was discharged on Saturday morning after they were circumsized. Jack left weighing 5 lbs 1.5 oz and Brayden was 5 lbs 7.5 oz - such tiny peanuts :)They are just too adorable and we couldn't be happier!

Last growth scan and 33 wk belly pic

I never got around to posting this update so I thought I would do it now.

Our last growth scan was 2 wks ago on 3/20 and baby A was measuring 5lbs 6 oz and baby B was 4lbs 15oz (a month ago they were 4lbs 1oz and 3lbs 15 oz). It's crazy how big they are. I'm so curious to see how close these estimates are to their actual birth weights.

Now for some pics: Here's one from 33 wks.

Too much stress

I feel completely and totally overwhelmed and alone at the same time. The babies are going to be here soon - like possiblly a week soon - and I just feel like Jamie doesn't really get how overwhelming this is for me. I know he is a little overwhelmed by it too - he knows that it will affect his life but I dont think he can possibly sympathize with me about how overwhelming this all is for me- I know that sounds selfish - that I want him to deal with his emotions and sympathize with mine - but that's how I feel.

I still feel mad at him for all the stuff with my borthday and christmas and spending time with me / doing something nice for me but it seriously falls on deaf ears whenever we talk about it and I really just can't getover it. I want to be over it and not feel hurt about it, but it seems that the closer it comes to the babies coming the more upset I get about it because I know once they get here the idea that he will think of doing something nice for me just for the hell of it is pretty slim - and rightfully so - it will be all about the babies and it needs to be all about them, but sometimes I just wonder if he really realizes all that I've sacrificed in the last 2 years. heck within the last month alone the sacrifices have been monumental!! I just want to not be mad about it and I dont know how to and this is stressing me out.

The other thing that is stressing me out is the situation with my father. It's been over 5 wks since we've talked and I just feel so angry that he can't make the simplest effort to check in with me knowing that I am near the end. He obviously doesn't care enough to call me so I havent called him (especially after all of the baby shower drama - which he never "fixed"). What's really stressing me is the responsibilty of making a phone call is going to fall on me because I will have to call him to tell him that I am either in labor or that the babies are already here. I just dont know when to call him. I feel like if I dont call him before they are born while I'm in the hospital he will be pissed - which I dont really care about - I just don't feel like dealing with the fall out of not having called him. But then again I just feel like I should call him after they are born and inform him of what's been going on. ughhh

All of this on top of being a hormonal mess. I need a break from all this crap. I just wish someone could wisk it all away and just make things happy and normal.

Starting to get nervous

Knowing that the clock is ticking, I feel like I'm starting to get overwhelmed. I mean I could go into labor any minute and while I know I'll be ok when they get here - OMG they could be here any minute. I'm not sure if I can put my finger on what is making me nervous but there are just so many things.

What will I feel like after they get here? While I still think a c-section is the best choice for me and the babies, I am totally freaking out over it. The epidural is freaking me out. I'm worried it will hurt, but then I think of all the stuff I've been through to get to this point and how scared I was at each new step along the way and I realize that I've gotten through it so I should be fine. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown. I know that my recovery after the c-section mght be pretty bad, but it could also be pretty ok so I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. The funny thing is that for years I've been ok seeing c-sections on tv shows and whatnot - thinking that doesn't look too bad - but knowing that it will be my belly cut wide open is a few weeks terrifies me all of a sudden. And I know Jamie will be great with it all, but I am nervous about how he'll handle everything with me and the babies once they get here. I just hope I feel well soon.

What if the babies are difficult? I just don't know how I'll tackle it all. I know we just have to take it all one step at a time, but just thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong is really killing me. I never even thought about NICU time, but what if? What if something is wrong with them even if they do wait until 37 wks? It's just too much to even think about so I guess up until this point I haven't thought about it and now that it is soooo close the sheer thought of it alone is overwhelming.

And even though I'm terrified of all of this, I can't help but be beyond excited. I can't wait for my sons to be here. Still can't wrap my head around it all, but I am so excited for this all to happen.

We went for our LAST growth scan on Friday 3/20 and baby a was estimated at 5 lbs 6 oz and baby b was estimated at 4 lbs 15 oz - so it looks like the chunky baby gods are on our side. Now it's just a matter of waiting for their lungs to be developed enough for me to be ok with them coming. I want them here when they are ready, but I would be lying if I didn't say I want them out!! It's getting really tough physically to do this and I will give it my all, but sooner rather than later would be great. Dr. T wants to take me off of the terbutaline at 36 wks at which point Dr. G thinks I'll go into labor - so I'm interested to see if that changes Dr. T's plan. I see him again on Monday so I guess we'll know at that point.

I just can't believe that we are at the point of talking about when they'll be here - and it's right around the corner. How exciting, terrifying, exhiliaritng and amazing all at the same time :)

29 days to go!!!

And that's at the most! I can't believe that in less than a month I will officially be a mommy. I'm so excited, yet at the same time, I'm starting to get terrified. I'm not worried about what I'll do with then or with how much work it will be (because as I've said all along - it's going to be overwhelming one way or the other so why stress about it now) but it's just crazy to know that we will have two children. Stupid crap - like we'll have two little boys in little league in a few years, and they'll both be driving at the same time - like this has been making me anxious. For some reason, having babies doesn't scare me - I'm beyond excited for that - but being parents is worrying me. I know that the parenting part is really going to be the full time job for the long haul and it's drastically going to change things. I'm very excited for it all, but I just found it kind of weird that with less than a month left these are the things that are on my mind.

There are parts of me that are worried about actually bringing home babies, but for some reason I feel an odd sense of calm about it all. I don't want to curse myself and say that it'll all be fine, because I know it will be more work than I've ever done, but I'm not too worried about it all. I have a feeling that things will just fall into place because that's how it's always been for Jamie and I - we just figure things out as wel go along and things just work for us.

I just can't believe that the babies will be here in a month OR LESS!!!! I have to guiltily admit that there is a part of me that hopes they make their entrance sooner rather than later - AS LONG AS THEY ARE HEALTHY. They've been doing so well up to this point so I think a month is a pretty good goal, but I would be ok if they came at 36 or 37 weeks as well. I guess we'll just have to see how things go.

A letter to my pregnant body

Dear Body,

I love that you are pregnant! I absolutely love feeling these little guys kick and squirm and hiccup inside of me (though we need to talk about the kicks below the belt - those hurt a bit). I love that you are working with this pregnancy and not fighting it and that so far it has been complication free and I hope that you appreciate the fact that I am no longer working - see I do listen if you yell loud enough. With all of that said, and please know that I mean every appreciative word I've uttered, here is a list of things I'd like to see improvement on.

1. Stretch marks - I understand that they are part of the game but seriously do they need to burn?? This is getting a little ridiculous lately. I can't even put a shirt on whitout cringing a little.

2 - The swollen ankles - aka the tree trunks - I mean seriously!! Even days when I do nothing my feet are swollen. This is a bit crazy. My socks make deep dents in my legs that actually throb! And while we're on the subject of feet - can I please put my own shoes on again at some point. It's been weeks since I've been able to put my shoes and socks on - this is a cruel joke right?? I mean I know I can't see my feet but I know they are still there and I'm well aware of the fact that I still need to dress them.

3 - This is a new one but still pretty annoying - the carpal tunnel. My hands ache so much that it wakes me up at night and I want to cry. I think I can get past this one if they hadn't been falling asleep for months. I need hands - so stop falling asleep or aching all the time. This is not fun nor is it necessary.

4 - Here is my biggest complaint - the back and hip pain!!! I mean c'mon - this is insane. It takes me a solid 2 minutes to just roll over in bed at night - something I have to do every 30 mins or so because my hips hurt so badly. It is not nice that I look like a 90 year old when I get up. I have never been so achy in my life and I serioulsy want to cry every time I have to go to the bathroom - which is obviously every other minute or so at this point - because I just know how much effort and energy it is going to take me to just get up and take that first step.

Ok - I'm glad that's all off my chest because I just don't want to complain about it to anyone else. I feel so unbelievable lucky that I'm at this point - pretty much complication free - and that of all the pains I'm feeling they are of the lesser variety. I haven't had all too many of the "unsavory side effects" of pregnancy so I know I shouldn't really complain.

4 weeks left

At the most!!!! That's so crazy to think that I might only have a month left! What's even crazier is thinking that I may have as few as two weeks! I can't stop thinking about what it's going to be like when they are born. I'm defintely having a c-section and y next week we'll know when it'll be scheduled - so crazy. I know that there's no way to know how things will go, but I keep running through the day they'll be born in my head and I find that I can't even sleep when I think about it. I just can't believe we are at this point. I think through the whole pregnancy I've convinced myself in a way that it isnt real that I should get too overjoyed because I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out. I have defintely enjoyed this pregnancy and I love these little guys more than anything, but it's defintely been recently, knowing that they are defintely on their way very shortly, that I get so overly excited about them being here. I still find that I can't wrap my head around the idea that in a month I will have tow children. That is just absolutely crazy to me and so overwhelming in so many ways that maybe I can't wrap my head around it because it's "unwrappable". I mean how can anyone ever prepare for a new baby and know what's to come - and then add another kid to the mix - it's impossible to know what to expect or how I'll feel. I find that I get emotional thinking about the fact that Jamie and I will be parents and I look forward to falling in love with him all over again because he's the father of my children and not just my husband and I get overjoyed knowing that I will be a mommy. What makes me even more ecstatic is knowing that the boys are doing so well. They are growing by the minute and moving around all the time and they get the hiccups and I can tell who is who in there and I just love it. It hurts and I'm tired all the time but I couldn't love these guys anymore. I just hope when they get out they are big happy healthy babies - I know the rest will fall into place.

Made a decision

I can do it and I will make it another 4 weeks. I will cut back on what I deal with at work and just learn how to stress less. Jamie has been absolutely amazing at home and mom has been a tremendous help too - she came over yesterday and vacummed the couches!! Baby stuff will be put together when it gets put together and the dishes can sit in the sink all day. I am not doing another thing around the house because it's just too much.

At work, I will do as much as I can from email and people will jut have to learn that I can't do everything. They have been so great so far, so I'm sure things will be fine.

So, as long as the babies and I are doing well enough to work - I will work. I feel good about this decision and I know I can make it.

To work or not to work

This shouldn't be that difficult of a decision, but it is.

Here are some reasons to stay at work - It will help us out financially. If I leave earlier than 3/27 it would mean a lot more money out of pocket for us. It would also mean a little more stress in that I would feel like I am leaving earlier than I planned and therefore cause other people more stress (I know I know - what should that matter, but it is something that weighs on my mind). I also know that if I leave work and stay at home, I might actually drive myself crazy. But I do know that the last few days that I have stayed home and just rested I feel a million times better than when I am at work. Could this just be a rough stretch? I mean I've had weeks before where I felt like I couldn't go another day and then a week later I was ok. Then there is also the fact that there is no medical reason for me to leave work just yet. My FFN was negative so I should be good until 33 weeks. My cervix is long and closed and it did not change with the little contractions episode I had and the terbutaline is working just fine.

Reasons to leave - It would be so much easier on me physically and emotionally. Even though I might drive myself carzy, I will be home and not dealing with the stress of work. I do plan on taking it down a notch at work. I don't have to be super on top of everything and people will just have to be ok with that. But anyways - if I stay home, I don't have to worry about English department stuff and NHS and actually planning to teach. Also, even though there isn't a medical reason to leave, it defintely couldn't hurt to go on bedrest. There is a very large part of me that just wants to leave earlier than I planned and I feel like that is admitting defeat if I do.

I think I will try to make it until the end of the week and see how I feel. I have an appointment on Thursday and we'll see how things are. If I need to leave then I will, and if not, then I will just take it day by day. I will defintley take it down a whole bunch at work and hopefully that will make things a little bit easier on me and then it won't be so difficult to actually be at work. I guess we'll just have to take it one day at a time and if it really gets to be too much then I will leave. I just have to be honest with myself. Right now I feel ok, but not great. I don't feel like there is a huge danger (mostly because the doctors are telling me this) but I don't feel so off that I think something is worng. I just feel like I need a little break.

Above all I need to do what is best for the babies and there is nothing I want more than for them to be safe and healthy. I will do whatever I have to for them, whatever I can for them, and I promise to keep that as the main priority of my decision making process.

31 weeks and HOLY BIG BABIES

My last growth scan was 5 weeks ago and baby a was 2 lbs and b was 2 lbs 2 oz. Today they were a hefty 4lbs 1 oz and 3 lbs 15 oz!!! So I am hauling a total of 8lbs of baby!!!! Everything looks perfect and the babies couldn't be doing better.

On the stress front, holy freakin doctor appointments. The receptionist made me feel like such a horrible person for having to work. Like why in the world would I even consider working since I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong these babies are more important than anything in this world, but let's face it, if I don't have a job things will be quite crazy!!! Anyway - it doesn't matter; we'll get through it and the babies will be great!

Here are a few 31 wk Belly Pics - and I have my pink on for sweet Sydney and Carynne

2 strikes

Yesterday was pretty eventful, and now I have two strikes against me :(

I went to the peri and was on the monitor for contractions (as part of my regulr routine) and I was having contractions about every five minutes. They gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop them and they started me on progesterone as well. They then did a cervical ultrasound and that looked good - it was a little short for me but still long and closed at 4.5 cm. I went back on the monitor after the shot and the contractions essentially stopped, but on the way to my OB (which was just a regularly scheduled appointment) I had a bunch more and even had some while just waiting in his office. I started the oral terb and overnight that seemed to stop the contractions.

So I went back to the OB this morning to make sure that the contractions had in fact stopped and they did. He re-checked my cervix and it was still long and closed - everything looks good. My FFN from yesterday came back negative which was a huge relief. He was swaying between putting me on bedrest right now or letting me go back to work. I have to go back to the peri tomorrow anyway for a growth scan and an NST. He said if everything looks good there, then I should be good to go back to work on Monday. So I'm offically on bedrest for the weekend - not a horrible sentence.

I really hope I can go back to work because, while the idea of not having to work is amazing, the idea of the financial burden it would cause is extremely overwhelming. I guess we'll just have to see how things go tomorrow - fingers crossed that they go as well as they did today - and go from there.

The bottom line is that this is 2 strikes against me. So one more little blip and I'm done :( I want these babies to cook for at least another 6 weeks so I'll do whatever I can to make that work, but I'm really hoping that third strike stays far away.

Baby Shower tomorrow!!! Yay!!!

On the one hand, I'm very excited. I can't wait to see everyone celebrate these babies like we have been for the last 7 months. On the other hand, I just can't wait for it to be over. I'm soo soo tired of hearing mom bitch about what it's costing and what people are going and what people have gotten me and her defending my SIL and talking about when my nephew will be dropped off only to hear me say that I really don't want him there before 330. I think sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by her that I can't take it anymore. She gets herself so involved and I know she means well but it's too much sometimes. I just can't hear her stories anymore about how we need to get the wagon ready for the wishing well and how she'll put a bottle of baby wash in there so that everyone knows that it's the wishing well. Ughh - like people are idiots or something. Then to make things worse, she calls yesterday to give the place the final count and then there was a cancellation from jamie's side of the family and I know she's just going to bitch about it all day long. I love her to death and that's why I never say anything to her, but oh dear lord there is only so much more I can take. I just want to be happy around her and not so moody or pissy, bc I just know she's going to do or say something that will piss me off.

Some random thoughts

Now that I'm almost 30 wks, the idea of actually having two children (not just being pregnant with them) is an idea that has been overwhelming me quite a bit. It's weird to say it, but for the last 10 wks or so, maybe even more, I have been pretty complacent with the pregnancy. I've settled into its routine and been very happy with the uneventfulness of everything. The boys and I are doing so well that I've actually found it in myself to actually relax about things being ok. I do worry about delivery and have worried about it in the past, but now that it is my next hurdle I think about it more and more every day. There have been a few women on the nest who have delivered early (right around where I am now) and their babies are in the NICU but they are doing well. That makes me feel a little more at ease knowing that if I went early, chances are pretty good that the boys would need a lot of help, but they would be fine.

I know it sounds stupic, but it's just been Jamie and I for so long and it's just been our routine that I'm getting nervous about how our life will be once they get here. I know things will be crazy and amazing all at the same time, but just not knowing what it's going to be like scares me. Here's a list of some of my concerns (because my OCD is telling me that if I write them all out I might feel better about them).

1. I want to BF but what if it doesn't work. What kind of formula will I use? What kind of and how many bottles will I need? What if BF'ing DOES work and I am the only one who can feed them - that overwhelms me the most!!! Will I be able to feed them both at the same time and will I ever really be able to grab a hold of the situation.


2. Where the hell is everything going to go? And I don't mean all the crap, but I mean the stuff we'll need easily at hand. I just don't know how to organize it all so that it will work for us.

3. I haven't done any reading on child and baby care. I guess it might be my coping mechanism to not getting too overwhelmed, but what if? There's part of me that just figures that we'll just do what works for us. I keep telling myself that it is going to be carzy overwhelming anyway so why bother trying to be prepared - there's no point because I know with my luck I'll be overly prepared and then when that stuff doesn't work out that will stress me out even more. Ahh that was just an epiphany moment that eased my mind a little.

I know in the grand scheme of things none of this matters and all that matters is that Me, Jamie and the boys are happy and healthy and that we get the chance to have our family.

On another not, my shower is this weekend and I'm very excited about it. I'm excited to see other people enjoy my pregnancy and celebrate it. I'm a bit overwhelmed about how much crap I will get, but I know that I will have a ton of help getting everything organized and situated. It's going to be fun :)

Ginormous!!!

I feel absolutely gigantic. When I brought up my weight to Dr. T he said that yes I was on the high end of normal but that it was nothing he was concerned about. Why do I let this bother me?? I'm up 39 lbs in 28 weeks and that just seems like so much to me. Ughhh. Well here are some pics from today (27wks 4days).

3rd Trimester :)

It is unbelievable how fast time flies. It feels like it was just July and we were just starting all this IVF craziness. The babies are doing so well too. I can not wait to meet them. They are both over 2 lbs each so I just know that they will be big and healthy when they get here.

I went for my 2nd PTL screening and everything came back great; so it seems that I should be safe for another 2 weeks. The peri said that they usually stop the PTL screening at 33 or 34 weeks and I'm on my own at that point. CRAZY!!!! 34 weeks is only 7 weeks away. I just can't wrap my head around that. I hope they cook for a bit longer than that, but 34 weeks just sounds so soon!!!

On the nursery front, we are just about done. We just have to do some finishing work and then just put everything that we get in there. My shower is only 3 weeks away so I can't wait to get everything situated. Mom has been great. She is getting really excited about the boys - it's not that she wasn't excited before but I can just tell now she feels like it's more real. Other than that, it hasn't seemed like too much of my family is all that into it. I mean I know they are, but no one calls or anything like that. I mean I don't really care becuase I know they'll be thrilled oonce the boys get here, but I'm not going to bend over backwards to accommodate them (read my father and step mother) when the boys get here.

On the exhaustion front - I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO TIRED IN MY LIFE!!!!!! I haven't sleept in about 3 weeks and for the life of me I can't get comfy for more than two hours at a time. I hope this is just a phase that I'll grow out of in a few weeks. My hips and my back hurt so much and it just makes me so frustrated that I can't sleep. I can't imagine another 10 weeks of this, but I am so thrilled about having them all to myself for another 10 wks. I have to say that no matter how exhausted I am or how much pain I'm in, I will defintely miss being pregnant with them. I know that sounds crazy, because once they are here they'll BE HERE and I can hug and kiss them and hold them. But right now they are all mine. They go with me everywhere and I keep them safe and only I can feel them move. I just know I'll miss those things when they are born.

Two painted nurseries!

So we finally painted both rooms and, get this, we actually have outlet covers!! I know I know it's the little things in life. The carpet will be installed this week hopefully and we'll be all done up there just waiting for our stuff to arrive. I think it will finally be real once there are cribs up there!

In other news, we had a growth scan yesterday and everything looks amazing. The boys are doing so well!!! Jack actually had the hiccups and I could feel them! It was so amazing. Jack was 2 lbs and Brayden was 2 lbs 2 oz. So they are getting quite large :) Now I go to the dr every wednesday it seems. I don't mind though; it's for pre-term labor screening. More peace of mind is never a bad thing. The tech turned on the 4d monitor and I have to admit I could not, for the life of me, figure out what the heck I was looking at. She pointed things out to me, but I still couldn't see it.

25 week updates

Things are going really well and while I can say that I am so happy that we're at this point, I am in such shock over how uncomfortable I am. I can't sit for too long because then my back hurts, but then when I lay down, my hips hurt. I'm starving all of the time and yet I feel worried about gaining too much weight (even though the dr's haven't said one word about it). The babies kick every day now and it is so cool to actually see their kicks through my skin. It's the best feeling in the world. I can't believe I only have about 10-12 weeks left.

In other news, my shower is all set and ready to go. It was a bit of a rollercoaster dealing with mom and MIL, but it seems like all is good now. I didn't want to be surprised and that didn't seem to sit well with mom, but I mean c'mon, it's not like I wouldn't have figured it out. With the shower set for 2/21 that leaves one month to get the rooms ready to move stuff into it. It's so crazy that I'm talking about finishing nurseries... I am so thankful to be doing all of this stuff. It's just amazing.

On the other hand, I feel totally unprepared. I know we'll figure things out along the way, but I read about people stocking up on diapers now and I think "Oh God I hadn't even thought of that". In all honesty, I hadn't thought about us buying anything until after the shower so we could see what we got and what we really need. I know I want to breastfeed, but have no clue how the heck that's going to work. Again, I know we'll figure it out along the way, but I guess just all of the things that could go wrong with breastfeeding are starting to overwhelm me already.

I started pre-term labor screening the other day and, while it wasn't pleasant at all, everything came back great. The fetal fibronectin test came back negative which means that my risk of delivering in the next two weeks is very minimal. I was also hooked up to the uterine activity monitor for a half hour and did not have one contraction (which I figure would be the case, but I have no clue what a contraction feels like so I could have been wrong). At this point it seems like the doctor appointments are just getting piled on. I know it's in my and the babies best interest, but it's alot. I have 3 appointments in the next two weeks. I guess on the upside, it's more screen time with the babies :)

23 wks

I'm not sure why I didn't start taking belly pictures earlier (I now wish I had) but I guess it was the superstitious part of me chiming in. But I finally broke down yesterday and took one. I plan on taking one every week now, but there will never be a bare belly shot. I love the belly and all, but it just so looks much cuter covered!!! Just take my word for it! Sorry for the ridiculous flash... I'll have to work on that.

Happy New Year!!!

Though we didn't do anything... I mean we were in our PJs at like 10 pm.... it was still by far the happiest new year in a long time. I cried when the ball dropped just thinking about how our babies will be here this year. It's crazy!!! Last year was just so sad and I could barely even begin to think about celebrating the new year (especially since I was supposed to be almost 9 mos pregnant) and this year I think I was just so overwhelmed by reflecting on everything that we've been through that I was defintely in some kind of funk. I was ecstatic but I was also sad thinking about everything - the two losses, the year of stress and IF treatments and the heartache that naturally comes along with that whole process, the stress of being pregnant - yes the stress of being pregnant - after all that we've been through getting pregnant was not this innocently blissful experience that is romanticized in the movies.

But I'm happy to say that I feel like a totally different person this year. I am so much less stressed and I handle the stress I do have in my life in a completely different way than I used to. The little things defintely don't get to me anymore and I could not be more thankful for the things that I do have - I used to curse my life for being the hell that it was and wonder who the hell I pissed off in a previous life to be punished like this.

It's so crazy to think that my last day of work will be April 8th. That means that I only have to make it through January, February and March - that's nothing!!! It's sooo crazy and I am so excited to get this new year started because I just know how good it's going to be.