Day 2

I did not weigh myself today. In order to face the reality that my body will not change over night, I had to fight the desire to get on the scale to see what yesterday's results were. I have to start looking for daily results in places other than the scale. So where to look today?? I feel really good about this whole new approach thing. To be honest, and I know I'll have to be along this journey, I consciously knew that I would not lose all of my 92.5 pounds in one day, but every morning when I stepped on the scale I was looking for some kind of payoff. I was looking to be one pound less and when it wasn't, it was like a free ticket to do whatever I wanted because obviously the previous day wasn't worth it.

I feel like something has clicked and I really realized that this is not going to be over in day. 52 weeks from now I'd like to be pretty darn close to my goal of 150 pounds. At 2 pounds a week that would put me at 140 pounds. Setting my goal is the part I struggle with. According to my BMI and to charts (which I've never really paid too much attention to), 150 is a healthy BMI for my height. That's 92.5 pounds and 140 pounds would be 104 pounds. When I look at myself, I realize that I am overweight and that I need to lose a significant amount of weight, but 104 pounds, heck even 92.5 pounds seems like a lot. I don't want to cut myself short and say I'll only lose 30 pounds, but 104 seems like so much. I guess admitting that I have that much to lose is part of the struggle of setting a goal. I wish there was a way around setting a number goal, but there just doesn't seem like there is. I could say that I want to get healthier and more active and it would be true, but it's not the whole truth. The reality is that I want to lose weight - a lot of weight and in order to get there I will need to be healthier and more active and be much more honest with myself.

That's the point of this whole thing I guess; to be more honest with myself. If I can write out what I feel every day and what I do every day to help me get to my goal, then maybe, just maybe, I can finally overcome this lifelong hurdle.

7/15 - No carbs again. I did a lot today before I ate and I know that it's not the healthiest way to go, but things just get in the way. I also went for a 30 min walk this morning with the boys. I walked hard and sweated my ass off. I chose not to run every other block like I did last week because I know that when I run, I tend to walk a bit more slowly on the blocks when I have to walk. So I walked hard pretty much the whole time. When I came home I also did 10 push ups; 15 of three different types of bicep curls; and 15 of 3 different types of triceps.

The hope is to go for a walk again later - doubt I'll make it to the gym with no one to watch the boys and that's ok. I just have to really go for the second walk and really push myself.

My Journey to 150

It has to be pound by pound, but I am determined to get down to 150. That's a whopping 92.5 pounds to go as of today. Don't get me wrong - I love my babies more than anything and I would have gained a thousand pounds if it meant that they were safe and sound, but being pregnant really took a toll on my body and I am currently the most upset, depressed, grossed out and stressed I've ever been about my weight. I can't ever remember a day that I didn't think about my weight. Ever since I was a little girl, my weight has been an issue. The funny thing is that when I look back at pictures from high school (when I thought I was GIGANTIC) I see an amazingly beautiful girl. I wish I was her all over again; I wish I could go back in time and shake her to her senses and tell her how gorgeous she is; make her realize that every minute she wastes thinking about her weight and her body is a minute she uses on feeding her fears; becoming less confident; beating herself down.

I know that I won't lose 20 lbs in a week; this is going to be a pound by pound journey. It's going to be a long one too, but I can not beat myself up anymore. I have to have the confidence to know that I can make it; that I can be the woman I want to be and not just in looks or in weight, but in confidence and self acceptance. I have to make this the first day of a new life.

So here's what I did today on my journey to 150: yardwork for 45 mins; the gym for 1.5 hours (2 classes); and no carbs. The first class was a killer. It was step aerobics for 45 mins and while I didn't get all of the moves, after not having been to the gym consistently for almost a year, I did pretty damn well! I sweated my ass off and it was great. The next class was OK. I wasn't thrilled with the instructor; she just seemed a bit off, but the important part is that I still stayed. Ok so my butt and gutt don't feel too much different today, but I did it!!!