Let the stimming begin

I had my supression check yesterday and it went great. Though I do have to say that I was nervous as hell thinking that something was going to be wrong. I don't know why I constantly focus on the posibility of a negative outcome. I guess I've just been so jaded by loss and failure that it's hard for me to think about it any other way. It's strange though, because in the last month I have focused on the positive more than the negative but when I look back all I see are my negative thoughts. Strange, but I guess it's a self-preservation mode. I know that if it doesn't work then there is always another course of action (we haven't gotten to that point). Plus I am still trying to look at the chemical pregnancy as a positive. My body was primed and ready for a pregnancy; it just didn't cooperate.

Last night was my first dose of the stims and it went well. Mixing the menopur was a bit frustrating but it all wokred out fine. I go back on Thursday for a check up so we'll see how things are progressing then.

Updates

So we started the lupron on Monday and I have to say it isn't that bad. Jamie does the shots for me every morning and although I could do them myself it's nice to let him help out. I have to say though that it is difficult to even give up that much control. But I'm trying. We've got another week and a half before we start stims though so again I'm still trying to be patient.

Acupuncture is going really well. I really like it. It's funny, the first time I went my mind was racing. The best way to describe it was like I was seeing with my eyes closed. They were closed but there was just so much going on in my head that I just kept seeing spots and lights. Well now I go and it's like immediate relaxation. I really love it and I really hope it helps. She was even excited to see that I had a chemical pregnancy after only one treatment. Not that she was happy it didn't stick, but she saw it as a good sign. So hopefully this is all worth it.

Stress management... as if there is such a thing

We had our stress management session today and it was a bit of an eye opener. I was kind of hoping that Jamie would open up and share somethings that he had been holding back, but ti turns out he's pretty much already told me everything. I guess he just doesn't have as many words as I do.

I know he's more than stressed about all this and that it is really wearing on him as much as it is me, but I still feel like he hasn't let it all sink in yet, or maybe I feel ike that because he doesn't say much about it. I'm babbling.

He did say soemthing interesting though. When I get stressed or upset or overwhelmed he feels like he needs to fix it all (which I already knew that was how he felt) but the doctor put it in other words; she said he feels helpless. I never really saw it that way. I mean I have to talk to him about all of this because there isn't anyone else I can talk to: another revelation I had today. She also made me realize that I have no hobbies or nothing to keep myself occupied. So I went to the craft store today and got some paint. I guess I was always nervous that I would suck at it and that's why I never got into it. I've always wanted to though. I guess we'll just have to see if I have any creative sense whatsoever.

She also said soemthing else that really got me. I told her I was really (I mean really) scared of this all not working. She reminded me that my chances we a lot better for it working than not working and that the chemical pregnancy might have been my body's response to finally being un-stressed (which I have to say was defintely the case this past month). I defintely realized the importance today of not getting too stressed and overwhelmed. I'll just have to write a lot more (and hopefully paint) and find ways to get it all out without being afraid of failing.

Sounds easy right ?!?!

Remembering the old and starting anew

Today marks the one year anniversary of my miscarriage and I feel more alone than ever. I should have a 6 month old baby to keep me occupied and instead I have a drawer full of needles (which surprisingly scare the crap out of me) and meds to pass the time. I thought of planting a tree or a garden for my baby, but the thought of watching something else grow and not my baby is just too painful. I'm going to try and get through the day without too many tears. I'll be watching my godson so I'm surehe'll fill the day with laughter.

On the new front... holy meds batman. They came last night and it was truly overwhelming. There was a lot of stuff that I didn't even know about and I was a little confused as to what they were for. I know it will all work out and I really need to be postive and CHOOSE to believe that this will work. But I can't hide how scared I am that it might not work. It's just a feeling that I can't not acknowledge and I know no one else wants to hear it, so I'm stuck in my head all alone with it. Hopefully the acupuncture will help it go away.

So much happens in a year. I didn't ever picture us at this point, yet here we are: all alone tyring to do the one thing that seems so simple for most peopel but may as well be brain surgery for us.