Karate Kids

The babies are kicking so much and I just think it is so cool. Jamie actually felt them kicking last night and his face just lit up like a kid at christmas. He's been dying to feel them move and I'm so glad that he actually go to. We also got to see my belly move as they kicked which I didn't think we would be able to do for a while. And now I think I can actually tell when Jack is kicking as compared to when Brayden is kicking. But then again, who knows!

We go to te doctor tomorrow and I am just so excited to see how big they are. A month ago they were 10 oz each so I just can't wait to see how big they are now. I know it's crazy to say this now at 22.5 weeks but I really feel pregnant now. It's just so cool to actually be able to feel them move and know that in 15 wks or so they will be here .... in our house.... our children.... for us to take care of....so crazy!!!

A year ago....

What a difference a year makes. Last year - well for lack of a better term - I felt like crap. I was mourning the loss of my baby even 6 months after the miscarriage happened. I was mourning the fact that I was not 8 months pregnant like I should have been. We were in the midst of our IF struggles. It was just a sad day and I could barely enjoy myself and my family.

This year, I have to say for very obvious reasons, I felt so much better and so much more blessed (rather than cursed). Jamie and I listened to the Jack and Brayden's heartbeats this morning and I got the chills thinking that the next time Christmas morning rolls around we'll have two little boys to share it with. We'll finally be a complete family. When we gave our cats their toys this morning, we actually got a lot of joy and excitement out of watching them play - and I thought - these are just our cats!!! We love them so much don't get me wrong, but I can't wait to see how happy we are next Christmas when we can finally see our children - who we've waited so so long for- playing with their toys.

I still miss the baby I'll never be able to have back and there is part of me that sad that I don't have an almost one year old running around the house, but I also can't help to think that if that hadn't happened, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't have these children who already mean so much to us. It's been well over a year since losing that baby and I think I've finally come to realize the gift she gave us. She gave us the gift of a stonger marriage; the gift of hope that things would have to eventually get better; the gift of being able to share our emotions at the drop of a dime (because we had no other choice). I miss her so much today and every day, but I love her for what she gave us and for the future we have because of her.

20 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe I'm at the half way point. Ok probably more than halfway, but I've made it to the halfway point of normal pregnancy. I can feel them kick every day now and it's getting stonger each day. I can't wait to go to the doctor on Wednesday and see how big they've gotten. Even though I finally feel like I'm pregnant and not just fat, I still can't get it thorugh my head that in about 4 months or so I will have two little babies. I try to picutre what that will be like, even though I know I can never prepare in any way shape or form for having a baby - well two - and I just get so anxious thinking about our family. Jamie touches my belly every day and says that he loves my baby belly, but the other day he put his hands on my belly and said "I love them so much already" and it was just the sweetest thing I've ever heard come out of his mouth. I mean I know he loves his babies, but he rarely says anything about the babies - he usually just refers to me being pregnant. It's so nice to see hiim excited and I can totally understand how couples say that having kids made them fall in love all over again and in different ways. I just can't believe I'm blessed enough to be this pregnant and to have a husband who loves me this much.

Soooo Tired and Soooooo Happy!!!

Let me preface this by saying I LOVE BEING PREGNANT. It is defintely exciting to see my belly grow (daily it seems like) and to feel these little kicks everyday. I love the kicking and I secretly love the fact that I'm the only one who can feel them right now. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait for Jamie obe able to feel them but I feel ike it's my own little secret right now and I love it. I also can't believe that I'm 19wks. I'm probably past half way there, but just to know that I'm almost at the "real half way point" is amazing.

On the other hand, I have never been so tired in my life. I feel like all I do is teach, eat and sleep and I wish I had more time to sleep. I don't mind it so much hough knowing that the energy I used to have is going to supporting two beautiful baby boys - who are doing amazing by the way. We had our big u/s the other day and the doctor said he was actually surprised that the boys were developed as much as they were this early (we went at 18w3d). He said most u/s done at this point need to come back to get other images done later because not everything is developed. Jack and Brayden each weighed in at a hefty 10 oz which is amazing because everything I'm reading says that they should be about 8 oz or so now. I know 2 oz isn't a huge thing but at this point in the game (well any point in the game) having babies be bigger than they're supposed to be is just great.

It's 2 boys!!!

And we couldn't be more thrilled. We both thought it would be one of each and we thought that would be the ideal situation, but this couldn't be any more ideal! I love that I know I'm having 2 sons and I love knowing that they'll grow up being best friends (hopefully). Don't get me wrong, I would have been happy with anything, but I just love it!! I feel very connected knowing that they are boys. I also feel very connected that we named them already: Jack Rory and Brayden James. The names just feel right and I know that's crazy because we don't even know them yet, but I feel like we will get to know them more just knowing who they are.

I still can't even wrap my head around the fact that I'm 17 wks pregnant. I know I still have another 20 wks or so to go, but I just don't know when it'll all sink in. I feel like now that I know who my babies are I can finally let myself get attached to them. I love them so much and I couldn't be any happier with my life right now.

Next step: Nurseries!!!

15 wks 1 day

OK so I haven't been as good with this as I promised. Things seem to be going well. I made my first baby purchase the other day, but I still don't feel ready. I mean it's pretty clear that I'm pregnant and I listen to the heartbeats everyday, I guess I just still feel so unreal about the whole thing. I can't wait to feel them move and find out if they are boys or girls, or even one of each. I'm waiting for something to make me feel a little more connected and a little less skeptical about the whole thing. I know that nothing is guaranteed, but I still want to connect with these little guys / girls and I just wish that I would let myself do it. I've told everyone at work now (even my students) and they all seem more excited than I am; well, they aren't really, but they just show their excitement a lot easier.

I', excited. I'm beyond thrilled; I can't even put it into words. I want these babies so bad and I love them so much already. I guess I just have to get a little bit better at letting myself show that.

I'm back :)

Ok so I've been a bad (ok really bad) pregnant lady, but I think it was all a way for me to keep my defenses up. I've been trying to not get too attached to the idea of being pregnant with twins, because everytime anything has ever gone well for me in this department it gets taken away. But I am now in my 2nd trimester and, even though I know 12 weeks isn't some magical cut off point after which nothing ever goes wrong, I do feel like it's time to take a deep breath and start enjoying this time.

On the flip side, I don't really feel pregnant. I just feel fat. I have been sick to my stomach and blinded by headaches every day for the last 7 weeks, but I just feel sick and tired. I guess soon I'll start showing and I'll feel more pregnant. It's still amazing though and I am so thankful and happy to be here.

I promise from now on I'll be better at posting updates.

TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So our little black spot turned out to be TWO little black spots and TWO little teeny tiny babies and TWO heartbeats!!!!! I just can't believe how lucky we are to go from nothing to two!!!! I also can't believe how ridiculously freaked out I am. The first thing I said to Jamie when we left was that we're going to be broke and I'm going to be huge. I still can't help but think something is going to go wrong, but for some odd reason, after yesterday, I had an overwhelming sense of caml about the whole thing. Let's hope that feeling sticks around.

Our little black spot

We had our first ultrasound on Friday August 29th and we got to see our one little black spot. I am so excited and scared. I thought the u/s would calm my nerves a little bit but not so much. It just brings back all of those emotions of having seen my first baby on his last u/s. I'm trying so hard to separate the two experiences but it's harder than I thought. I just don't feel as connected as I know I should. I've been repeating the mantras over and over again and they do help, especially the "my past does not dictate my future" one. I'm trying to focus on the advice Dr. Tigner gave me that "hey this could actually work". We have a better chance of this working than not working; so I keep telling myself that and I make it one more day.

On the other hand, I'm beyond excited. It still doesn't feel real at all. Jamie touches my belly every now and then and that's when it seems to sink in a little. I just need to take a deep breath and enjoy this. Easier said than done, but sure as hell worth a try.

To tell or not

I had an interesting conversation with my mom today about telling people. On one hand, I feel like I don't want to tell anyone. I know that it won't jinx it or anything like that but I guess I'm just scared. I know that I'm not scared of telling people, I'm scared of telling them and then having to un-tell them. IT's weird because, while I was tremendously upset by my miscarriage, I was also a little embarrassed and ashamed of losing the pregnancy. I don't know why I feel that way, but the fact is, I do.

Here's the even stranger thing: so many people know already. A bunch of my family knew about the IVF so they know about the results and I don't really have a problem with my family knowing (with the exception of my SIL who basiccaly made the Associated Press aware of her MS the day she found out). Even when I go back to work a whole bunch of people will know because they were aware of the IVF anyways. That also doesn't mean that everyone at work will know which will also be good too.

Ughhhh ... I just don't know. I want to celebrate and ejoy every minute of this pregnancy so from that point of view I say screw it and jsut scream it from the roof tops, but on the other hand I'm scared to death. I'm so scared in fact that I feel like I'm not connecting enough with the baby (I just had to contemplate whether I should write baby or pregnancy). Ok I know, there is something wrong with me, but I can't help it.

In so many ways I've healed from the miscarriage so well and in so many other ways it haunts me daily. I guess this is just one of those days.

Rising Betas

Today I am 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. It just sounds so crazy to say that. I actually woke up yesterday morning and almost had forgotten that fact. It's really weird, but with each rising beta it's starting to feel more real. Today my beta was 789; that's up from 230 3 days ago. I'm psyched now! We get to go in on Friday for an ultrasound to see if it's one of two and to (gulping as I write this) make sure it is (or they are) in the uterus. I can't belive I'm actually at this point. Weird and exciting all at the same time.

I don't feel pregnant

It's funny because the day I got a BFP on the HPT I was sick to my stomach (possibly nerves) but now not much. I mean I am tired which I know is a symptom and I know my beta was good therefore I KNOW I AM PREGNANT, but I woke up this morning and kind of forgot that I was. I know that sounds crazy, but I think I've finally figured out my "comfortably numb" feeling: I was owed something. I got pregnant and saw a heartbeat and got all excited just to have it taken away from me and from that moment on I was owed something. This sounds even crazier, but through this whole thing I've been envisioning that I would get pregnant so many times that now that it's here it's just like FINALLY and IT'S ABOUT TIME. I find that I can't get too excited though either because I feel like all of my pregnancy innocence is gone. I've been here before and it didn't go so well. I really have to force myself to remember that this will be different. And that's the truth; I do feel differently about this pregnancy. I just feel like this has to work; this will work.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well we knew this on Tuesday but now it seems real. My beta was 230 at 10dp3dt!!!! That's insane!! I'm so happy and so scared at the same time. The dr even hinted that it might be twins (even though he also said that you can't tell anything until an ultrasound)... but soooo crazy!!!!!!! We are going to be B-R-O-K-E if there are two in there :) My next beta is Monday so let's keep our fingers crossed for another big number :)

Comfortably numb

After testing yesterday, I can't get it out of my head that it was just the trigger. But everything I've read says that you should average about 1000 units per day to exit your system. So my 5000 unit shot would have been out a week ago. You would think I would be a nervous wreck about all of this, but in a way I am, as the title suggests, comfortably numb. I haven't told Jamie and in a lot of ways I feel like a horrible wife. I should be happy right?? But now I'm just worried that it's not for real. Again, just because I've felt like that for so long doesn't mean that this won't work now. I want to go test right now, but then I want to test tomorrow morning. I went for a beta today but they don't call. And I keep devising these wild scenarios of why they would call. Maybe my betas are so high already that they just want to call today and let me know. I mean how can they have that information in front of them and not want to call the patient. I can see them all dancing around a table full of results popping a bottle of champagne and NOT CALLING!!!!!!! I know they aren't doing that, but I just need to know.

A total shocker....

Well not really but I still feel pretty numb. 7dp3dt and there was a second line. It started out really faint. In fact when I first saw it I though "please just tell me it's too early to test" because I didn't think I saw anything. Well it got darker and now it is clearly visible. I can't believe this might have actually worked. I'll test again Thursday morning just to make sure it wasn't the trigger but how could it be. I triggered on 8/7 and that was 12 days ago. That has to be out of my system by now right?!?! Oh please say yes.

It really doesn't feel real. Like I don't even know if I should say anything to Jamie. He didn't even want me to test so I already feel like I went behind his back.... not that that really matters now. But I don't want to tell him until it's really true... like when they call back with a really great beta. I just hope (and hope seems to be an infinitesimally small word for the feeling I want to convey here) that this little bugger... or buggers... stick around for the next 9 mos.

I did have two BFP dreams this week and let's just say my dreams are pretty powerful. The first one I POAS and it was positive... clear bright as day positive. The second dream ... last night I believe... was a bit weird. I was in a room full of women and while I really couldn't tell who they were bc there were no faces, it was like I was in a post from the nest. Like instead of everyone typing back and forth we were all sitting there talking. And the questions was something about old wives tales and being pregnant and one woman was talking about her grandmother who just KNEW when people were pregnant. So then magically this old lady appear in my dream and she looks me square in the eye and says "you're pregnant". Well I guess my state of paranoia about all of this not working was blocking my intuition. We'll just have to wait and see what numbers the beta gods bring.

Flip-flop

After the ER I was so hopeful. We got such a great result that I was on such a high thinking that this is going to work. Then when I had a 3dt instead of a 5 dt I lost it; I was a total pessimist. After doing some research, I was then confident about this whole process. My boobs were on fire and my p4 was sky high and I was really confident. Well, yesterday I just had this overwhelming premonition that this is not going to work. I'm not sure if that's just me talking myself into it for self-preservation purposes or what but yesterday was defintely an all time low. And I can't really talk to Jamie about it becuase I don't want to bring him down and he just tells me to calm down and stay positive. I wish I could.

Last night I had a dream though that I did a HPT and it was positive. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I just wish there was some way to get through this part. I know Jamie doesn't want me to test, but I think I will on Thursday morning. I can't imagine waiting for the call on Friday afternoon from the doctors not knowing what they are going to tell me. It's funny because I really thought this whole process proved to me just how strong I am, but now here in the 2 ww I feel like a cfhild leaving their mom on the first day of school.

The F*&%ing 2ww

Even though it's actually only like a week (less than a week at this point) I absolutely hate it. Every little cramp, flutter, twinge and pull makes me crazy. It's simple: I just want to know what the future hold; that isn't too much is it? What kills me is that I'm looking for signs that I know I've never experienced before. I've been pregnant twice (ughhhh) and neither time did I experience any signs or symptoms, yet here I am trying to analyze everything as if I have some special talent or something. And my fucking boobs. They are on fire, probably because my progesterone is over 39 which, don't get me wrong, is great, but they hurt soooo bad.

I know that we have great chances here. We transferred 2 perfect quality embryos and we are still young and healthy and it was just such a great cycle that it HAS to work. On the other hand, when I think about thaking a HPT or going in for my beta, all I can envision is a stark white panel or a conversation ending in I'm sorry; I know you wanted it to turn out differently. But I can't tell if it is my intuition that is making me feel that or if it's just this past year and a half of utter disapointment. I'm hoping it's just that I've been conditioned to think this way and that it's nothing more than the pessimist in me.

I also can't shake the feeling that this might actually work. This is what should be happening today: Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining. The past day or so I've had some cramps and twinges and I can't help but think that this is why. I guess I could go back and forth like this forever and I'd still just have to wait until next week.

3dp3dt

We had our transfer on 8/12 and it was a 3dt. I was really upset by this because I had my head so wrapped around the idea that the only way we'd be successful is by having a 5dt. But after reading some information, I found that they do a 3dt as long as you have a clear "winner" at 3 days. So we put back 2 embies: one 8 cell and one 7 cell both perfect quality and I am just so hopeful. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself here but I really feel like this will be it.

Here are the details:
Well, like I said since I thought it was going to be a 5dt, I waited until the last minute to call Jamie home from work so there was a bit of a frantic rush to get the the acupuncture appointment on time. But we got there and I had my pre-transfer treatment. She put needles in my legs, my head, my ears, and my belly and she used the heat lamp (note to self: must buy heat lampt o warm constantly cold feet). Then after 20 minutes it was off to East Coast.

The trasnfer was upstairs in the OR which I thought was weird, but what did I know. Dr. Pena met with us before hand and told us that e'd be transferring 2 embryos of perfect quality. Then he gave us a picture of them and did another transfer before mine. I just think it's so cool that we have a picture of our potential babies before they even were inside of me. It's just so werid.

They then wheeled me into the OR, full bladder and all, and Jamie sat right beside me. He was great through the whole thing. On the ultrasound screen I could see the embryos actually drop into my uterus which was so cool. They were in there, safe and sound. Now hopefully they'll snuggle in for the next nine months.

** A little side note: I secretly hope for twins. I don't want to tell anyone that though because I don't want to fall too hard if this doesn't work, but I just always thought I'd have twins.**

So after the transfer, we went back for my post-transfer treatment which was so relaxing. It was a nie time for me to sit back and reflect on everything that has happened in this last year. It's been a rough one and I'm so anxious for some good news. The weird thing is though, that even if it's not good news, I still think I'll be ok. I know that I am strong enough to tackle whatever challeneges come my way and I know we'll be able to get through them.

Here's to a week of waiting :)

20 my new favorite number

My retrieval was on Saturday 8/9 and they got 25 eggs and 22 were mature. But here is the best news: 20 of them fertilized!!!!!!!! I am so in shock and so hopeful!!!! It's hard for me to admit hopefulness and happiness because I've just felt so dejected through all of this, but I really think this could be it for us!!! They tentatively set up a 3 day transfer but the doctor seemed conficent that we would be able to do a 5 day transfer on Thursday.

On the needle front... holy PIO!!!! That needle is freaking huge and it scared the crap out of my when Jamie was going to do the first one. It turns out that I am a huge wuss and I totally freaked him out. So much so that he couldn't (or maybe wouldn't do it) so I do them and he helps. I just hope we're doing them correctly.

Ok well keeping our fingers crosed and staying relaxed :)

The next step

I trigger tonight for my egg retrieval on Saturday. It's funny because a year ago I never would have thought that I would be at this stage. I was so convinced that I wouldn't have to do IVF and now I'm here doing it (most of the way done with it) and it still feels so surreal. On the one hand I feel so excited and anxious because I could be pregnant in a few weeks and on the other hand I couldn't. I mean we've been focusing so hard on just getting through the meds and just seeing what's brewing that I've sort of blocked out the thought of the end goal being getting pregnant. While this seems odd, I think it has been sort of a slef-preservation mode thing. Now I am face to face with the pregnant or not conflict. It's been a nice confidence boost to respond well to the BCP's and then the lupron and then the stims and now I feel so worried that it will all just be a big let down.

I guess only time will tell. Anyway there are still a few more hurdles to leap over before we get to the pregnant or not post so we'll just have to see.

Let the stimming begin

I had my supression check yesterday and it went great. Though I do have to say that I was nervous as hell thinking that something was going to be wrong. I don't know why I constantly focus on the posibility of a negative outcome. I guess I've just been so jaded by loss and failure that it's hard for me to think about it any other way. It's strange though, because in the last month I have focused on the positive more than the negative but when I look back all I see are my negative thoughts. Strange, but I guess it's a self-preservation mode. I know that if it doesn't work then there is always another course of action (we haven't gotten to that point). Plus I am still trying to look at the chemical pregnancy as a positive. My body was primed and ready for a pregnancy; it just didn't cooperate.

Last night was my first dose of the stims and it went well. Mixing the menopur was a bit frustrating but it all wokred out fine. I go back on Thursday for a check up so we'll see how things are progressing then.

Updates

So we started the lupron on Monday and I have to say it isn't that bad. Jamie does the shots for me every morning and although I could do them myself it's nice to let him help out. I have to say though that it is difficult to even give up that much control. But I'm trying. We've got another week and a half before we start stims though so again I'm still trying to be patient.

Acupuncture is going really well. I really like it. It's funny, the first time I went my mind was racing. The best way to describe it was like I was seeing with my eyes closed. They were closed but there was just so much going on in my head that I just kept seeing spots and lights. Well now I go and it's like immediate relaxation. I really love it and I really hope it helps. She was even excited to see that I had a chemical pregnancy after only one treatment. Not that she was happy it didn't stick, but she saw it as a good sign. So hopefully this is all worth it.

Stress management... as if there is such a thing

We had our stress management session today and it was a bit of an eye opener. I was kind of hoping that Jamie would open up and share somethings that he had been holding back, but ti turns out he's pretty much already told me everything. I guess he just doesn't have as many words as I do.

I know he's more than stressed about all this and that it is really wearing on him as much as it is me, but I still feel like he hasn't let it all sink in yet, or maybe I feel ike that because he doesn't say much about it. I'm babbling.

He did say soemthing interesting though. When I get stressed or upset or overwhelmed he feels like he needs to fix it all (which I already knew that was how he felt) but the doctor put it in other words; she said he feels helpless. I never really saw it that way. I mean I have to talk to him about all of this because there isn't anyone else I can talk to: another revelation I had today. She also made me realize that I have no hobbies or nothing to keep myself occupied. So I went to the craft store today and got some paint. I guess I was always nervous that I would suck at it and that's why I never got into it. I've always wanted to though. I guess we'll just have to see if I have any creative sense whatsoever.

She also said soemthing else that really got me. I told her I was really (I mean really) scared of this all not working. She reminded me that my chances we a lot better for it working than not working and that the chemical pregnancy might have been my body's response to finally being un-stressed (which I have to say was defintely the case this past month). I defintely realized the importance today of not getting too stressed and overwhelmed. I'll just have to write a lot more (and hopefully paint) and find ways to get it all out without being afraid of failing.

Sounds easy right ?!?!

Remembering the old and starting anew

Today marks the one year anniversary of my miscarriage and I feel more alone than ever. I should have a 6 month old baby to keep me occupied and instead I have a drawer full of needles (which surprisingly scare the crap out of me) and meds to pass the time. I thought of planting a tree or a garden for my baby, but the thought of watching something else grow and not my baby is just too painful. I'm going to try and get through the day without too many tears. I'll be watching my godson so I'm surehe'll fill the day with laughter.

On the new front... holy meds batman. They came last night and it was truly overwhelming. There was a lot of stuff that I didn't even know about and I was a little confused as to what they were for. I know it will all work out and I really need to be postive and CHOOSE to believe that this will work. But I can't hide how scared I am that it might not work. It's just a feeling that I can't not acknowledge and I know no one else wants to hear it, so I'm stuck in my head all alone with it. Hopefully the acupuncture will help it go away.

So much happens in a year. I didn't ever picture us at this point, yet here we are: all alone tyring to do the one thing that seems so simple for most peopel but may as well be brain surgery for us.

More sad news

I was pregnant again for two whole days (sense the sarcasm??). It turned out to be a chemical pregnancy and I emailed the dr. to see if he thought there was any reason for concern since this ws our second "loss" even though they aren't really "counting" this one. Well f*ck you. You didn't read that stick that said pregnant. You didn't wake your husband up from a dead sleep to make him read it. You have't been trying for over a year and a half to just have your little bubble of hope broken in an instant.

I guess the good part of it all is that the steps for IVF#1 are already in place. I start BCP tomorrow. I'm trying not to be too upset; I'm trying to "chose" to be ok with it, but it's a little harder than I thought. It just brings back so many painful memories. I know I'll be fine, but I just hope and pray that there isn't anything wrong that we don't know about. I know technically you're supposed to have 3 losses before RLP but I hope he'll do one now. If there's something wrong we defintely need to know now.

A little revelation never hurt anyone....

I was running today and watching A Baby Story (naturally I would gravitate to something that makes me remember the one thing that depresses me.....that makes sense right?). Back to the point. As I was watching the show, they were saying something about the baby's heart rate and how she might not be able to have a natural birth and all that crap and I realized that I put way too much stock in the numbers of things.

What's my follicle measuring? What was my progesterone? What was Jamie's count? How much do I weigh and how much should I lose? When can we start the next course of action? I think you can see the pattern. I thought back to seeing my baby's heart rate at our first sono and it was a healthy 167. We felt reassured; things were where they needed to be. Well, we all know how that worked out.

Also, as I was running (for 40 minutes might I add) I was actually questioning my weight. I know I am overweight, but it's not like I don't try. I'm actually doing something good for both my health and my fertility and here I am belittling myself. Serioulsy, what is wrong with me?

Here's my revelation, I have to stop putting so much faith in how things look on paper. I have to start putting some faith in the postive choices that I make in my life. We are doing all that we can to conceive and I am trying to do all that I can to make myself as healthy as possible for that journey. Hopefully, it's a revelation that sticks.

To break or not to break... that is the question

So with our one cycle break looming, I posed the question today of whether or not we should take a cycle off. That is over course under the guise that I would actually ovulate on my own (haha... like that would ever happen). And we decided... drum roll please.... that we would just take this month off.

It isn't worth the heartache of even considering another loss. I know that even if the IVF does work, it doesn't mean that it will safeguard us from another loss, but I just feel like there will be more control (of course one of my issues that need work). So I asked Jamie what he thought and he agreed that we should take some time off. I think it will be good for us; we need some 'us' time. And I just don't know how much more my body will take.

On the 'me' front, I have defintely decided to give up the wine. I just know it is what's keeping me from even beginning to think about losing weight. The thing is, I just don't know if I can. I really don't know what keeps me from not being able to go without it. I wonder if it's the "if you tell me what not to do then I'll just do it" mentality, but ahhh who knows. In other words, the date on which wine will go RIP is still to be announced.

Oh what a long strange trip.....

S0 I'm not 100% sure why I decided to start blogging. But I can't think of a better place to begin than the beginning.

5/7/07 - I found out I was pregnant. It was the single most happiest day of my life. I'll never forget the look on my husband's face when I told him (and then told him three more times because he didn't believe me the first time); I'll never forget the look on our parents' faces when they opened their bibs that read "I love Grandma/pa" or the screams of pure joy that came out of the rest of our family when they learned our good news.

7/2/07 - I found out I was not pregnant. It was the single most devestating day of my life. I was getting ready to go to the doctor and I was standing in front of the mirror thinking that "my body doesn't look pregnant anymore" while I was also noticing that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I had this overwhelming premontion from day one that this pregnancy would not end well, but no one would hear it and let's face it, I didn't really want to bring it up; no one wants to hear about loss. So I convinced myself that it was just the end of the first trimester and my symptoms were probably just naturally lessening.

The image on the screen of my baby (heart no longer beating) is forever seared into my brain.

5/24/08 - So now here we are over a year later and not pregnant again. We've been through infertility treatments since September 07 to no avail. In fact, we just found out that IUI #3 was a BFFN. We will be doing IVF this summer and I can't say that I've lost all hope. In fact, there's part of me that's actually excited to do IVF because it might actually work (but if it doesn't....)

I'd like to think that doing IVF will finally motivate me enough to go to the gym daily and maybe shed 10 lbs or so before we get all of this underway. Maybe it will motivate me enough to cut down my wine intake (a pleasure which I have indulged in since the miscarriage a bit too much). Maybe it won't. That's the funny part; I used to think that I knew what my life had in store for me. I used to think that I could plan everything out; maybe that's the point of all this: to teach me to lose control a little bit. But maybe I'm just searching for meaning just so this all doesn't hurt so much. I really have no clue.

All I know is that I want to go back in time to last year and change whatever cosmic alignment caused me to lose my baby in the first place. I know I did nothin wrong and no one is to blame, but I just want to be pregnant again. I want to see everyone's smiles and see the look or shock and love on Jamie's face when I tell him again that we're having a baby. Even though I know I did nothing to bring all of this on, I just feel like I've taken so much joy out of not only our lives, but out of everyone else's too.

Oh what a long strange trip it's been.... and I'm afraid it's only just begun.