Our little black spot

We had our first ultrasound on Friday August 29th and we got to see our one little black spot. I am so excited and scared. I thought the u/s would calm my nerves a little bit but not so much. It just brings back all of those emotions of having seen my first baby on his last u/s. I'm trying so hard to separate the two experiences but it's harder than I thought. I just don't feel as connected as I know I should. I've been repeating the mantras over and over again and they do help, especially the "my past does not dictate my future" one. I'm trying to focus on the advice Dr. Tigner gave me that "hey this could actually work". We have a better chance of this working than not working; so I keep telling myself that and I make it one more day.

On the other hand, I'm beyond excited. It still doesn't feel real at all. Jamie touches my belly every now and then and that's when it seems to sink in a little. I just need to take a deep breath and enjoy this. Easier said than done, but sure as hell worth a try.

To tell or not

I had an interesting conversation with my mom today about telling people. On one hand, I feel like I don't want to tell anyone. I know that it won't jinx it or anything like that but I guess I'm just scared. I know that I'm not scared of telling people, I'm scared of telling them and then having to un-tell them. IT's weird because, while I was tremendously upset by my miscarriage, I was also a little embarrassed and ashamed of losing the pregnancy. I don't know why I feel that way, but the fact is, I do.

Here's the even stranger thing: so many people know already. A bunch of my family knew about the IVF so they know about the results and I don't really have a problem with my family knowing (with the exception of my SIL who basiccaly made the Associated Press aware of her MS the day she found out). Even when I go back to work a whole bunch of people will know because they were aware of the IVF anyways. That also doesn't mean that everyone at work will know which will also be good too.

Ughhhh ... I just don't know. I want to celebrate and ejoy every minute of this pregnancy so from that point of view I say screw it and jsut scream it from the roof tops, but on the other hand I'm scared to death. I'm so scared in fact that I feel like I'm not connecting enough with the baby (I just had to contemplate whether I should write baby or pregnancy). Ok I know, there is something wrong with me, but I can't help it.

In so many ways I've healed from the miscarriage so well and in so many other ways it haunts me daily. I guess this is just one of those days.

Rising Betas

Today I am 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. It just sounds so crazy to say that. I actually woke up yesterday morning and almost had forgotten that fact. It's really weird, but with each rising beta it's starting to feel more real. Today my beta was 789; that's up from 230 3 days ago. I'm psyched now! We get to go in on Friday for an ultrasound to see if it's one of two and to (gulping as I write this) make sure it is (or they are) in the uterus. I can't belive I'm actually at this point. Weird and exciting all at the same time.

I don't feel pregnant

It's funny because the day I got a BFP on the HPT I was sick to my stomach (possibly nerves) but now not much. I mean I am tired which I know is a symptom and I know my beta was good therefore I KNOW I AM PREGNANT, but I woke up this morning and kind of forgot that I was. I know that sounds crazy, but I think I've finally figured out my "comfortably numb" feeling: I was owed something. I got pregnant and saw a heartbeat and got all excited just to have it taken away from me and from that moment on I was owed something. This sounds even crazier, but through this whole thing I've been envisioning that I would get pregnant so many times that now that it's here it's just like FINALLY and IT'S ABOUT TIME. I find that I can't get too excited though either because I feel like all of my pregnancy innocence is gone. I've been here before and it didn't go so well. I really have to force myself to remember that this will be different. And that's the truth; I do feel differently about this pregnancy. I just feel like this has to work; this will work.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well we knew this on Tuesday but now it seems real. My beta was 230 at 10dp3dt!!!! That's insane!! I'm so happy and so scared at the same time. The dr even hinted that it might be twins (even though he also said that you can't tell anything until an ultrasound)... but soooo crazy!!!!!!! We are going to be B-R-O-K-E if there are two in there :) My next beta is Monday so let's keep our fingers crossed for another big number :)

Comfortably numb

After testing yesterday, I can't get it out of my head that it was just the trigger. But everything I've read says that you should average about 1000 units per day to exit your system. So my 5000 unit shot would have been out a week ago. You would think I would be a nervous wreck about all of this, but in a way I am, as the title suggests, comfortably numb. I haven't told Jamie and in a lot of ways I feel like a horrible wife. I should be happy right?? But now I'm just worried that it's not for real. Again, just because I've felt like that for so long doesn't mean that this won't work now. I want to go test right now, but then I want to test tomorrow morning. I went for a beta today but they don't call. And I keep devising these wild scenarios of why they would call. Maybe my betas are so high already that they just want to call today and let me know. I mean how can they have that information in front of them and not want to call the patient. I can see them all dancing around a table full of results popping a bottle of champagne and NOT CALLING!!!!!!! I know they aren't doing that, but I just need to know.

A total shocker....

Well not really but I still feel pretty numb. 7dp3dt and there was a second line. It started out really faint. In fact when I first saw it I though "please just tell me it's too early to test" because I didn't think I saw anything. Well it got darker and now it is clearly visible. I can't believe this might have actually worked. I'll test again Thursday morning just to make sure it wasn't the trigger but how could it be. I triggered on 8/7 and that was 12 days ago. That has to be out of my system by now right?!?! Oh please say yes.

It really doesn't feel real. Like I don't even know if I should say anything to Jamie. He didn't even want me to test so I already feel like I went behind his back.... not that that really matters now. But I don't want to tell him until it's really true... like when they call back with a really great beta. I just hope (and hope seems to be an infinitesimally small word for the feeling I want to convey here) that this little bugger... or buggers... stick around for the next 9 mos.

I did have two BFP dreams this week and let's just say my dreams are pretty powerful. The first one I POAS and it was positive... clear bright as day positive. The second dream ... last night I believe... was a bit weird. I was in a room full of women and while I really couldn't tell who they were bc there were no faces, it was like I was in a post from the nest. Like instead of everyone typing back and forth we were all sitting there talking. And the questions was something about old wives tales and being pregnant and one woman was talking about her grandmother who just KNEW when people were pregnant. So then magically this old lady appear in my dream and she looks me square in the eye and says "you're pregnant". Well I guess my state of paranoia about all of this not working was blocking my intuition. We'll just have to wait and see what numbers the beta gods bring.

Flip-flop

After the ER I was so hopeful. We got such a great result that I was on such a high thinking that this is going to work. Then when I had a 3dt instead of a 5 dt I lost it; I was a total pessimist. After doing some research, I was then confident about this whole process. My boobs were on fire and my p4 was sky high and I was really confident. Well, yesterday I just had this overwhelming premonition that this is not going to work. I'm not sure if that's just me talking myself into it for self-preservation purposes or what but yesterday was defintely an all time low. And I can't really talk to Jamie about it becuase I don't want to bring him down and he just tells me to calm down and stay positive. I wish I could.

Last night I had a dream though that I did a HPT and it was positive. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I just wish there was some way to get through this part. I know Jamie doesn't want me to test, but I think I will on Thursday morning. I can't imagine waiting for the call on Friday afternoon from the doctors not knowing what they are going to tell me. It's funny because I really thought this whole process proved to me just how strong I am, but now here in the 2 ww I feel like a cfhild leaving their mom on the first day of school.

The F*&%ing 2ww

Even though it's actually only like a week (less than a week at this point) I absolutely hate it. Every little cramp, flutter, twinge and pull makes me crazy. It's simple: I just want to know what the future hold; that isn't too much is it? What kills me is that I'm looking for signs that I know I've never experienced before. I've been pregnant twice (ughhhh) and neither time did I experience any signs or symptoms, yet here I am trying to analyze everything as if I have some special talent or something. And my fucking boobs. They are on fire, probably because my progesterone is over 39 which, don't get me wrong, is great, but they hurt soooo bad.

I know that we have great chances here. We transferred 2 perfect quality embryos and we are still young and healthy and it was just such a great cycle that it HAS to work. On the other hand, when I think about thaking a HPT or going in for my beta, all I can envision is a stark white panel or a conversation ending in I'm sorry; I know you wanted it to turn out differently. But I can't tell if it is my intuition that is making me feel that or if it's just this past year and a half of utter disapointment. I'm hoping it's just that I've been conditioned to think this way and that it's nothing more than the pessimist in me.

I also can't shake the feeling that this might actually work. This is what should be happening today: Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining. The past day or so I've had some cramps and twinges and I can't help but think that this is why. I guess I could go back and forth like this forever and I'd still just have to wait until next week.

3dp3dt

We had our transfer on 8/12 and it was a 3dt. I was really upset by this because I had my head so wrapped around the idea that the only way we'd be successful is by having a 5dt. But after reading some information, I found that they do a 3dt as long as you have a clear "winner" at 3 days. So we put back 2 embies: one 8 cell and one 7 cell both perfect quality and I am just so hopeful. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself here but I really feel like this will be it.

Here are the details:
Well, like I said since I thought it was going to be a 5dt, I waited until the last minute to call Jamie home from work so there was a bit of a frantic rush to get the the acupuncture appointment on time. But we got there and I had my pre-transfer treatment. She put needles in my legs, my head, my ears, and my belly and she used the heat lamp (note to self: must buy heat lampt o warm constantly cold feet). Then after 20 minutes it was off to East Coast.

The trasnfer was upstairs in the OR which I thought was weird, but what did I know. Dr. Pena met with us before hand and told us that e'd be transferring 2 embryos of perfect quality. Then he gave us a picture of them and did another transfer before mine. I just think it's so cool that we have a picture of our potential babies before they even were inside of me. It's just so werid.

They then wheeled me into the OR, full bladder and all, and Jamie sat right beside me. He was great through the whole thing. On the ultrasound screen I could see the embryos actually drop into my uterus which was so cool. They were in there, safe and sound. Now hopefully they'll snuggle in for the next nine months.

** A little side note: I secretly hope for twins. I don't want to tell anyone that though because I don't want to fall too hard if this doesn't work, but I just always thought I'd have twins.**

So after the transfer, we went back for my post-transfer treatment which was so relaxing. It was a nie time for me to sit back and reflect on everything that has happened in this last year. It's been a rough one and I'm so anxious for some good news. The weird thing is though, that even if it's not good news, I still think I'll be ok. I know that I am strong enough to tackle whatever challeneges come my way and I know we'll be able to get through them.

Here's to a week of waiting :)

20 my new favorite number

My retrieval was on Saturday 8/9 and they got 25 eggs and 22 were mature. But here is the best news: 20 of them fertilized!!!!!!!! I am so in shock and so hopeful!!!! It's hard for me to admit hopefulness and happiness because I've just felt so dejected through all of this, but I really think this could be it for us!!! They tentatively set up a 3 day transfer but the doctor seemed conficent that we would be able to do a 5 day transfer on Thursday.

On the needle front... holy PIO!!!! That needle is freaking huge and it scared the crap out of my when Jamie was going to do the first one. It turns out that I am a huge wuss and I totally freaked him out. So much so that he couldn't (or maybe wouldn't do it) so I do them and he helps. I just hope we're doing them correctly.

Ok well keeping our fingers crosed and staying relaxed :)

The next step

I trigger tonight for my egg retrieval on Saturday. It's funny because a year ago I never would have thought that I would be at this stage. I was so convinced that I wouldn't have to do IVF and now I'm here doing it (most of the way done with it) and it still feels so surreal. On the one hand I feel so excited and anxious because I could be pregnant in a few weeks and on the other hand I couldn't. I mean we've been focusing so hard on just getting through the meds and just seeing what's brewing that I've sort of blocked out the thought of the end goal being getting pregnant. While this seems odd, I think it has been sort of a slef-preservation mode thing. Now I am face to face with the pregnant or not conflict. It's been a nice confidence boost to respond well to the BCP's and then the lupron and then the stims and now I feel so worried that it will all just be a big let down.

I guess only time will tell. Anyway there are still a few more hurdles to leap over before we get to the pregnant or not post so we'll just have to see.