To tell or not

I had an interesting conversation with my mom today about telling people. On one hand, I feel like I don't want to tell anyone. I know that it won't jinx it or anything like that but I guess I'm just scared. I know that I'm not scared of telling people, I'm scared of telling them and then having to un-tell them. IT's weird because, while I was tremendously upset by my miscarriage, I was also a little embarrassed and ashamed of losing the pregnancy. I don't know why I feel that way, but the fact is, I do.

Here's the even stranger thing: so many people know already. A bunch of my family knew about the IVF so they know about the results and I don't really have a problem with my family knowing (with the exception of my SIL who basiccaly made the Associated Press aware of her MS the day she found out). Even when I go back to work a whole bunch of people will know because they were aware of the IVF anyways. That also doesn't mean that everyone at work will know which will also be good too.

Ughhhh ... I just don't know. I want to celebrate and ejoy every minute of this pregnancy so from that point of view I say screw it and jsut scream it from the roof tops, but on the other hand I'm scared to death. I'm so scared in fact that I feel like I'm not connecting enough with the baby (I just had to contemplate whether I should write baby or pregnancy). Ok I know, there is something wrong with me, but I can't help it.

In so many ways I've healed from the miscarriage so well and in so many other ways it haunts me daily. I guess this is just one of those days.