I'm back :)

Ok so I've been a bad (ok really bad) pregnant lady, but I think it was all a way for me to keep my defenses up. I've been trying to not get too attached to the idea of being pregnant with twins, because everytime anything has ever gone well for me in this department it gets taken away. But I am now in my 2nd trimester and, even though I know 12 weeks isn't some magical cut off point after which nothing ever goes wrong, I do feel like it's time to take a deep breath and start enjoying this time.

On the flip side, I don't really feel pregnant. I just feel fat. I have been sick to my stomach and blinded by headaches every day for the last 7 weeks, but I just feel sick and tired. I guess soon I'll start showing and I'll feel more pregnant. It's still amazing though and I am so thankful and happy to be here.

I promise from now on I'll be better at posting updates.

TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So our little black spot turned out to be TWO little black spots and TWO little teeny tiny babies and TWO heartbeats!!!!! I just can't believe how lucky we are to go from nothing to two!!!! I also can't believe how ridiculously freaked out I am. The first thing I said to Jamie when we left was that we're going to be broke and I'm going to be huge. I still can't help but think something is going to go wrong, but for some odd reason, after yesterday, I had an overwhelming sense of caml about the whole thing. Let's hope that feeling sticks around.

Our little black spot

We had our first ultrasound on Friday August 29th and we got to see our one little black spot. I am so excited and scared. I thought the u/s would calm my nerves a little bit but not so much. It just brings back all of those emotions of having seen my first baby on his last u/s. I'm trying so hard to separate the two experiences but it's harder than I thought. I just don't feel as connected as I know I should. I've been repeating the mantras over and over again and they do help, especially the "my past does not dictate my future" one. I'm trying to focus on the advice Dr. Tigner gave me that "hey this could actually work". We have a better chance of this working than not working; so I keep telling myself that and I make it one more day.

On the other hand, I'm beyond excited. It still doesn't feel real at all. Jamie touches my belly every now and then and that's when it seems to sink in a little. I just need to take a deep breath and enjoy this. Easier said than done, but sure as hell worth a try.

To tell or not

I had an interesting conversation with my mom today about telling people. On one hand, I feel like I don't want to tell anyone. I know that it won't jinx it or anything like that but I guess I'm just scared. I know that I'm not scared of telling people, I'm scared of telling them and then having to un-tell them. IT's weird because, while I was tremendously upset by my miscarriage, I was also a little embarrassed and ashamed of losing the pregnancy. I don't know why I feel that way, but the fact is, I do.

Here's the even stranger thing: so many people know already. A bunch of my family knew about the IVF so they know about the results and I don't really have a problem with my family knowing (with the exception of my SIL who basiccaly made the Associated Press aware of her MS the day she found out). Even when I go back to work a whole bunch of people will know because they were aware of the IVF anyways. That also doesn't mean that everyone at work will know which will also be good too.

Ughhhh ... I just don't know. I want to celebrate and ejoy every minute of this pregnancy so from that point of view I say screw it and jsut scream it from the roof tops, but on the other hand I'm scared to death. I'm so scared in fact that I feel like I'm not connecting enough with the baby (I just had to contemplate whether I should write baby or pregnancy). Ok I know, there is something wrong with me, but I can't help it.

In so many ways I've healed from the miscarriage so well and in so many other ways it haunts me daily. I guess this is just one of those days.

Rising Betas

Today I am 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. It just sounds so crazy to say that. I actually woke up yesterday morning and almost had forgotten that fact. It's really weird, but with each rising beta it's starting to feel more real. Today my beta was 789; that's up from 230 3 days ago. I'm psyched now! We get to go in on Friday for an ultrasound to see if it's one of two and to (gulping as I write this) make sure it is (or they are) in the uterus. I can't belive I'm actually at this point. Weird and exciting all at the same time.

I don't feel pregnant

It's funny because the day I got a BFP on the HPT I was sick to my stomach (possibly nerves) but now not much. I mean I am tired which I know is a symptom and I know my beta was good therefore I KNOW I AM PREGNANT, but I woke up this morning and kind of forgot that I was. I know that sounds crazy, but I think I've finally figured out my "comfortably numb" feeling: I was owed something. I got pregnant and saw a heartbeat and got all excited just to have it taken away from me and from that moment on I was owed something. This sounds even crazier, but through this whole thing I've been envisioning that I would get pregnant so many times that now that it's here it's just like FINALLY and IT'S ABOUT TIME. I find that I can't get too excited though either because I feel like all of my pregnancy innocence is gone. I've been here before and it didn't go so well. I really have to force myself to remember that this will be different. And that's the truth; I do feel differently about this pregnancy. I just feel like this has to work; this will work.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well we knew this on Tuesday but now it seems real. My beta was 230 at 10dp3dt!!!! That's insane!! I'm so happy and so scared at the same time. The dr even hinted that it might be twins (even though he also said that you can't tell anything until an ultrasound)... but soooo crazy!!!!!!! We are going to be B-R-O-K-E if there are two in there :) My next beta is Monday so let's keep our fingers crossed for another big number :)