Too much stress

I feel completely and totally overwhelmed and alone at the same time. The babies are going to be here soon - like possiblly a week soon - and I just feel like Jamie doesn't really get how overwhelming this is for me. I know he is a little overwhelmed by it too - he knows that it will affect his life but I dont think he can possibly sympathize with me about how overwhelming this all is for me- I know that sounds selfish - that I want him to deal with his emotions and sympathize with mine - but that's how I feel.

I still feel mad at him for all the stuff with my borthday and christmas and spending time with me / doing something nice for me but it seriously falls on deaf ears whenever we talk about it and I really just can't getover it. I want to be over it and not feel hurt about it, but it seems that the closer it comes to the babies coming the more upset I get about it because I know once they get here the idea that he will think of doing something nice for me just for the hell of it is pretty slim - and rightfully so - it will be all about the babies and it needs to be all about them, but sometimes I just wonder if he really realizes all that I've sacrificed in the last 2 years. heck within the last month alone the sacrifices have been monumental!! I just want to not be mad about it and I dont know how to and this is stressing me out.

The other thing that is stressing me out is the situation with my father. It's been over 5 wks since we've talked and I just feel so angry that he can't make the simplest effort to check in with me knowing that I am near the end. He obviously doesn't care enough to call me so I havent called him (especially after all of the baby shower drama - which he never "fixed"). What's really stressing me is the responsibilty of making a phone call is going to fall on me because I will have to call him to tell him that I am either in labor or that the babies are already here. I just dont know when to call him. I feel like if I dont call him before they are born while I'm in the hospital he will be pissed - which I dont really care about - I just don't feel like dealing with the fall out of not having called him. But then again I just feel like I should call him after they are born and inform him of what's been going on. ughhh

All of this on top of being a hormonal mess. I need a break from all this crap. I just wish someone could wisk it all away and just make things happy and normal.

Starting to get nervous

Knowing that the clock is ticking, I feel like I'm starting to get overwhelmed. I mean I could go into labor any minute and while I know I'll be ok when they get here - OMG they could be here any minute. I'm not sure if I can put my finger on what is making me nervous but there are just so many things.

What will I feel like after they get here? While I still think a c-section is the best choice for me and the babies, I am totally freaking out over it. The epidural is freaking me out. I'm worried it will hurt, but then I think of all the stuff I've been through to get to this point and how scared I was at each new step along the way and I realize that I've gotten through it so I should be fine. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown. I know that my recovery after the c-section mght be pretty bad, but it could also be pretty ok so I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. The funny thing is that for years I've been ok seeing c-sections on tv shows and whatnot - thinking that doesn't look too bad - but knowing that it will be my belly cut wide open is a few weeks terrifies me all of a sudden. And I know Jamie will be great with it all, but I am nervous about how he'll handle everything with me and the babies once they get here. I just hope I feel well soon.

What if the babies are difficult? I just don't know how I'll tackle it all. I know we just have to take it all one step at a time, but just thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong is really killing me. I never even thought about NICU time, but what if? What if something is wrong with them even if they do wait until 37 wks? It's just too much to even think about so I guess up until this point I haven't thought about it and now that it is soooo close the sheer thought of it alone is overwhelming.

And even though I'm terrified of all of this, I can't help but be beyond excited. I can't wait for my sons to be here. Still can't wrap my head around it all, but I am so excited for this all to happen.

We went for our LAST growth scan on Friday 3/20 and baby a was estimated at 5 lbs 6 oz and baby b was estimated at 4 lbs 15 oz - so it looks like the chunky baby gods are on our side. Now it's just a matter of waiting for their lungs to be developed enough for me to be ok with them coming. I want them here when they are ready, but I would be lying if I didn't say I want them out!! It's getting really tough physically to do this and I will give it my all, but sooner rather than later would be great. Dr. T wants to take me off of the terbutaline at 36 wks at which point Dr. G thinks I'll go into labor - so I'm interested to see if that changes Dr. T's plan. I see him again on Monday so I guess we'll know at that point.

I just can't believe that we are at the point of talking about when they'll be here - and it's right around the corner. How exciting, terrifying, exhiliaritng and amazing all at the same time :)

29 days to go!!!

And that's at the most! I can't believe that in less than a month I will officially be a mommy. I'm so excited, yet at the same time, I'm starting to get terrified. I'm not worried about what I'll do with then or with how much work it will be (because as I've said all along - it's going to be overwhelming one way or the other so why stress about it now) but it's just crazy to know that we will have two children. Stupid crap - like we'll have two little boys in little league in a few years, and they'll both be driving at the same time - like this has been making me anxious. For some reason, having babies doesn't scare me - I'm beyond excited for that - but being parents is worrying me. I know that the parenting part is really going to be the full time job for the long haul and it's drastically going to change things. I'm very excited for it all, but I just found it kind of weird that with less than a month left these are the things that are on my mind.

There are parts of me that are worried about actually bringing home babies, but for some reason I feel an odd sense of calm about it all. I don't want to curse myself and say that it'll all be fine, because I know it will be more work than I've ever done, but I'm not too worried about it all. I have a feeling that things will just fall into place because that's how it's always been for Jamie and I - we just figure things out as wel go along and things just work for us.

I just can't believe that the babies will be here in a month OR LESS!!!! I have to guiltily admit that there is a part of me that hopes they make their entrance sooner rather than later - AS LONG AS THEY ARE HEALTHY. They've been doing so well up to this point so I think a month is a pretty good goal, but I would be ok if they came at 36 or 37 weeks as well. I guess we'll just have to see how things go.

A letter to my pregnant body

Dear Body,

I love that you are pregnant! I absolutely love feeling these little guys kick and squirm and hiccup inside of me (though we need to talk about the kicks below the belt - those hurt a bit). I love that you are working with this pregnancy and not fighting it and that so far it has been complication free and I hope that you appreciate the fact that I am no longer working - see I do listen if you yell loud enough. With all of that said, and please know that I mean every appreciative word I've uttered, here is a list of things I'd like to see improvement on.

1. Stretch marks - I understand that they are part of the game but seriously do they need to burn?? This is getting a little ridiculous lately. I can't even put a shirt on whitout cringing a little.

2 - The swollen ankles - aka the tree trunks - I mean seriously!! Even days when I do nothing my feet are swollen. This is a bit crazy. My socks make deep dents in my legs that actually throb! And while we're on the subject of feet - can I please put my own shoes on again at some point. It's been weeks since I've been able to put my shoes and socks on - this is a cruel joke right?? I mean I know I can't see my feet but I know they are still there and I'm well aware of the fact that I still need to dress them.

3 - This is a new one but still pretty annoying - the carpal tunnel. My hands ache so much that it wakes me up at night and I want to cry. I think I can get past this one if they hadn't been falling asleep for months. I need hands - so stop falling asleep or aching all the time. This is not fun nor is it necessary.

4 - Here is my biggest complaint - the back and hip pain!!! I mean c'mon - this is insane. It takes me a solid 2 minutes to just roll over in bed at night - something I have to do every 30 mins or so because my hips hurt so badly. It is not nice that I look like a 90 year old when I get up. I have never been so achy in my life and I serioulsy want to cry every time I have to go to the bathroom - which is obviously every other minute or so at this point - because I just know how much effort and energy it is going to take me to just get up and take that first step.

Ok - I'm glad that's all off my chest because I just don't want to complain about it to anyone else. I feel so unbelievable lucky that I'm at this point - pretty much complication free - and that of all the pains I'm feeling they are of the lesser variety. I haven't had all too many of the "unsavory side effects" of pregnancy so I know I shouldn't really complain.

4 weeks left

At the most!!!! That's so crazy to think that I might only have a month left! What's even crazier is thinking that I may have as few as two weeks! I can't stop thinking about what it's going to be like when they are born. I'm defintely having a c-section and y next week we'll know when it'll be scheduled - so crazy. I know that there's no way to know how things will go, but I keep running through the day they'll be born in my head and I find that I can't even sleep when I think about it. I just can't believe we are at this point. I think through the whole pregnancy I've convinced myself in a way that it isnt real that I should get too overjoyed because I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out. I have defintely enjoyed this pregnancy and I love these little guys more than anything, but it's defintely been recently, knowing that they are defintely on their way very shortly, that I get so overly excited about them being here. I still find that I can't wrap my head around the idea that in a month I will have tow children. That is just absolutely crazy to me and so overwhelming in so many ways that maybe I can't wrap my head around it because it's "unwrappable". I mean how can anyone ever prepare for a new baby and know what's to come - and then add another kid to the mix - it's impossible to know what to expect or how I'll feel. I find that I get emotional thinking about the fact that Jamie and I will be parents and I look forward to falling in love with him all over again because he's the father of my children and not just my husband and I get overjoyed knowing that I will be a mommy. What makes me even more ecstatic is knowing that the boys are doing so well. They are growing by the minute and moving around all the time and they get the hiccups and I can tell who is who in there and I just love it. It hurts and I'm tired all the time but I couldn't love these guys anymore. I just hope when they get out they are big happy healthy babies - I know the rest will fall into place.

Made a decision

I can do it and I will make it another 4 weeks. I will cut back on what I deal with at work and just learn how to stress less. Jamie has been absolutely amazing at home and mom has been a tremendous help too - she came over yesterday and vacummed the couches!! Baby stuff will be put together when it gets put together and the dishes can sit in the sink all day. I am not doing another thing around the house because it's just too much.

At work, I will do as much as I can from email and people will jut have to learn that I can't do everything. They have been so great so far, so I'm sure things will be fine.

So, as long as the babies and I are doing well enough to work - I will work. I feel good about this decision and I know I can make it.

To work or not to work

This shouldn't be that difficult of a decision, but it is.

Here are some reasons to stay at work - It will help us out financially. If I leave earlier than 3/27 it would mean a lot more money out of pocket for us. It would also mean a little more stress in that I would feel like I am leaving earlier than I planned and therefore cause other people more stress (I know I know - what should that matter, but it is something that weighs on my mind). I also know that if I leave work and stay at home, I might actually drive myself crazy. But I do know that the last few days that I have stayed home and just rested I feel a million times better than when I am at work. Could this just be a rough stretch? I mean I've had weeks before where I felt like I couldn't go another day and then a week later I was ok. Then there is also the fact that there is no medical reason for me to leave work just yet. My FFN was negative so I should be good until 33 weeks. My cervix is long and closed and it did not change with the little contractions episode I had and the terbutaline is working just fine.

Reasons to leave - It would be so much easier on me physically and emotionally. Even though I might drive myself carzy, I will be home and not dealing with the stress of work. I do plan on taking it down a notch at work. I don't have to be super on top of everything and people will just have to be ok with that. But anyways - if I stay home, I don't have to worry about English department stuff and NHS and actually planning to teach. Also, even though there isn't a medical reason to leave, it defintely couldn't hurt to go on bedrest. There is a very large part of me that just wants to leave earlier than I planned and I feel like that is admitting defeat if I do.

I think I will try to make it until the end of the week and see how I feel. I have an appointment on Thursday and we'll see how things are. If I need to leave then I will, and if not, then I will just take it day by day. I will defintley take it down a whole bunch at work and hopefully that will make things a little bit easier on me and then it won't be so difficult to actually be at work. I guess we'll just have to take it one day at a time and if it really gets to be too much then I will leave. I just have to be honest with myself. Right now I feel ok, but not great. I don't feel like there is a huge danger (mostly because the doctors are telling me this) but I don't feel so off that I think something is worng. I just feel like I need a little break.

Above all I need to do what is best for the babies and there is nothing I want more than for them to be safe and healthy. I will do whatever I have to for them, whatever I can for them, and I promise to keep that as the main priority of my decision making process.