Happy New Year!!!

Though we didn't do anything... I mean we were in our PJs at like 10 pm.... it was still by far the happiest new year in a long time. I cried when the ball dropped just thinking about how our babies will be here this year. It's crazy!!! Last year was just so sad and I could barely even begin to think about celebrating the new year (especially since I was supposed to be almost 9 mos pregnant) and this year I think I was just so overwhelmed by reflecting on everything that we've been through that I was defintely in some kind of funk. I was ecstatic but I was also sad thinking about everything - the two losses, the year of stress and IF treatments and the heartache that naturally comes along with that whole process, the stress of being pregnant - yes the stress of being pregnant - after all that we've been through getting pregnant was not this innocently blissful experience that is romanticized in the movies.

But I'm happy to say that I feel like a totally different person this year. I am so much less stressed and I handle the stress I do have in my life in a completely different way than I used to. The little things defintely don't get to me anymore and I could not be more thankful for the things that I do have - I used to curse my life for being the hell that it was and wonder who the hell I pissed off in a previous life to be punished like this.

It's so crazy to think that my last day of work will be April 8th. That means that I only have to make it through January, February and March - that's nothing!!! It's sooo crazy and I am so excited to get this new year started because I just know how good it's going to be.

Karate Kids

The babies are kicking so much and I just think it is so cool. Jamie actually felt them kicking last night and his face just lit up like a kid at christmas. He's been dying to feel them move and I'm so glad that he actually go to. We also got to see my belly move as they kicked which I didn't think we would be able to do for a while. And now I think I can actually tell when Jack is kicking as compared to when Brayden is kicking. But then again, who knows!

We go to te doctor tomorrow and I am just so excited to see how big they are. A month ago they were 10 oz each so I just can't wait to see how big they are now. I know it's crazy to say this now at 22.5 weeks but I really feel pregnant now. It's just so cool to actually be able to feel them move and know that in 15 wks or so they will be here .... in our house.... our children.... for us to take care of....so crazy!!!

A year ago....

What a difference a year makes. Last year - well for lack of a better term - I felt like crap. I was mourning the loss of my baby even 6 months after the miscarriage happened. I was mourning the fact that I was not 8 months pregnant like I should have been. We were in the midst of our IF struggles. It was just a sad day and I could barely enjoy myself and my family.

This year, I have to say for very obvious reasons, I felt so much better and so much more blessed (rather than cursed). Jamie and I listened to the Jack and Brayden's heartbeats this morning and I got the chills thinking that the next time Christmas morning rolls around we'll have two little boys to share it with. We'll finally be a complete family. When we gave our cats their toys this morning, we actually got a lot of joy and excitement out of watching them play - and I thought - these are just our cats!!! We love them so much don't get me wrong, but I can't wait to see how happy we are next Christmas when we can finally see our children - who we've waited so so long for- playing with their toys.

I still miss the baby I'll never be able to have back and there is part of me that sad that I don't have an almost one year old running around the house, but I also can't help to think that if that hadn't happened, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't have these children who already mean so much to us. It's been well over a year since losing that baby and I think I've finally come to realize the gift she gave us. She gave us the gift of a stonger marriage; the gift of hope that things would have to eventually get better; the gift of being able to share our emotions at the drop of a dime (because we had no other choice). I miss her so much today and every day, but I love her for what she gave us and for the future we have because of her.

20 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe I'm at the half way point. Ok probably more than halfway, but I've made it to the halfway point of normal pregnancy. I can feel them kick every day now and it's getting stonger each day. I can't wait to go to the doctor on Wednesday and see how big they've gotten. Even though I finally feel like I'm pregnant and not just fat, I still can't get it thorugh my head that in about 4 months or so I will have two little babies. I try to picutre what that will be like, even though I know I can never prepare in any way shape or form for having a baby - well two - and I just get so anxious thinking about our family. Jamie touches my belly every day and says that he loves my baby belly, but the other day he put his hands on my belly and said "I love them so much already" and it was just the sweetest thing I've ever heard come out of his mouth. I mean I know he loves his babies, but he rarely says anything about the babies - he usually just refers to me being pregnant. It's so nice to see hiim excited and I can totally understand how couples say that having kids made them fall in love all over again and in different ways. I just can't believe I'm blessed enough to be this pregnant and to have a husband who loves me this much.

Soooo Tired and Soooooo Happy!!!

Let me preface this by saying I LOVE BEING PREGNANT. It is defintely exciting to see my belly grow (daily it seems like) and to feel these little kicks everyday. I love the kicking and I secretly love the fact that I'm the only one who can feel them right now. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait for Jamie obe able to feel them but I feel ike it's my own little secret right now and I love it. I also can't believe that I'm 19wks. I'm probably past half way there, but just to know that I'm almost at the "real half way point" is amazing.

On the other hand, I have never been so tired in my life. I feel like all I do is teach, eat and sleep and I wish I had more time to sleep. I don't mind it so much hough knowing that the energy I used to have is going to supporting two beautiful baby boys - who are doing amazing by the way. We had our big u/s the other day and the doctor said he was actually surprised that the boys were developed as much as they were this early (we went at 18w3d). He said most u/s done at this point need to come back to get other images done later because not everything is developed. Jack and Brayden each weighed in at a hefty 10 oz which is amazing because everything I'm reading says that they should be about 8 oz or so now. I know 2 oz isn't a huge thing but at this point in the game (well any point in the game) having babies be bigger than they're supposed to be is just great.

It's 2 boys!!!

And we couldn't be more thrilled. We both thought it would be one of each and we thought that would be the ideal situation, but this couldn't be any more ideal! I love that I know I'm having 2 sons and I love knowing that they'll grow up being best friends (hopefully). Don't get me wrong, I would have been happy with anything, but I just love it!! I feel very connected knowing that they are boys. I also feel very connected that we named them already: Jack Rory and Brayden James. The names just feel right and I know that's crazy because we don't even know them yet, but I feel like we will get to know them more just knowing who they are.

I still can't even wrap my head around the fact that I'm 17 wks pregnant. I know I still have another 20 wks or so to go, but I just don't know when it'll all sink in. I feel like now that I know who my babies are I can finally let myself get attached to them. I love them so much and I couldn't be any happier with my life right now.

Next step: Nurseries!!!

15 wks 1 day

OK so I haven't been as good with this as I promised. Things seem to be going well. I made my first baby purchase the other day, but I still don't feel ready. I mean it's pretty clear that I'm pregnant and I listen to the heartbeats everyday, I guess I just still feel so unreal about the whole thing. I can't wait to feel them move and find out if they are boys or girls, or even one of each. I'm waiting for something to make me feel a little more connected and a little less skeptical about the whole thing. I know that nothing is guaranteed, but I still want to connect with these little guys / girls and I just wish that I would let myself do it. I've told everyone at work now (even my students) and they all seem more excited than I am; well, they aren't really, but they just show their excitement a lot easier.

I', excited. I'm beyond thrilled; I can't even put it into words. I want these babies so bad and I love them so much already. I guess I just have to get a little bit better at letting myself show that.