A year ago....

What a difference a year makes. Last year - well for lack of a better term - I felt like crap. I was mourning the loss of my baby even 6 months after the miscarriage happened. I was mourning the fact that I was not 8 months pregnant like I should have been. We were in the midst of our IF struggles. It was just a sad day and I could barely enjoy myself and my family.

This year, I have to say for very obvious reasons, I felt so much better and so much more blessed (rather than cursed). Jamie and I listened to the Jack and Brayden's heartbeats this morning and I got the chills thinking that the next time Christmas morning rolls around we'll have two little boys to share it with. We'll finally be a complete family. When we gave our cats their toys this morning, we actually got a lot of joy and excitement out of watching them play - and I thought - these are just our cats!!! We love them so much don't get me wrong, but I can't wait to see how happy we are next Christmas when we can finally see our children - who we've waited so so long for- playing with their toys.

I still miss the baby I'll never be able to have back and there is part of me that sad that I don't have an almost one year old running around the house, but I also can't help to think that if that hadn't happened, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't have these children who already mean so much to us. It's been well over a year since losing that baby and I think I've finally come to realize the gift she gave us. She gave us the gift of a stonger marriage; the gift of hope that things would have to eventually get better; the gift of being able to share our emotions at the drop of a dime (because we had no other choice). I miss her so much today and every day, but I love her for what she gave us and for the future we have because of her.