I love my babies

I can't believe they are almost 2 weeks old. I really do feel like my water just broke this morning and that we just got them, and then on the other hand it really feels like they have been here all along. I'll be very honest here - it was really hard to be head over heels in love with them right away. I was exhausted, in pain, swollen, overwhelmed and unbelievably frustrated with breast feeding that I had a really hard time bonding with them right away. Now that I'm not BF'ing and I've tried to calm down and take a "wait and see" approach to pumping, I really feel like I'm able to really enjoy them soooo much more. My heart absolutely melts everytime I see them and I actually don't dread feeding times - well except the 4 am one, but who wouldn't resent that!

In retrospect, I wish I hadnt stuck so hard to my breastfeeding routine in the hospital. It wasnt working then and I dont know why I didnt see that it wasnt. I feel like I really missed out on their first few days, but now just thinking about that, it makes it a whole lot easier to look at this pumping situation from different eyes. Yes feeding them breast milk is important to me, but not being a good mom for ANY reason is just not acceptable to me. I have to be able to more than feed them and if all I can focus on is their meals then I am not focusing on loving them as much as I can. Just realizing that fact alone makes me a better mommy and that is the most important thing to me! OMG I can't believe I'm a mommy!!! How crazy is that?!?!

My Birth Story

I can't believe i get to post this especially since they weren't "scheduled" to be born until this Friday, but here goes.

Sunday 4/5 7:30 pm - took my last terbutaline and joyfully threw the bottle away! At this point I was secretly hoping that things would hapen sooner rather than later because Iwas just miserable, but at the same time I was totally expecting to make it to my scheduled c-section on Friday 4/18. I was having contractions pretty much the entire time I was on the terbutaline, but they weren't horrible. Looking back, I had A LOT of contractions that weekend and they were getting much worse, but I just attributed it to the general feeling of crappiness that I was growing accustomed to.

Monday 4/6 3 pm - Had my weekly OB appointment and was slightly disappointed that there as no progress. My cervix had shortened but no dialation. My blood pressure was also starting to creep up, but my urine was negative and I was so close to the end anyway that there was no real concern. That night Jamie and I went shopping and I really think the walking around (for almost an hour because it took me forever to do anything pregnant) helped move things along.

Tuesday 4/7 - Ironically, I had a really great night sleep - the last for a while! I got up to pee around 6:30 am and my water broke. I was so nervous that if my water ever did break that I would confuse it for peeing myself, but there was no second guessing this. Jamie woke up and helped me get situated and we called the doctor. The boys were going to make their apprearance TODAY!!!! I called my mom and we all headed to the hospital.

From the moment we got to the hospital to the time the boys were born was only about 2.5-3 hours, but the odd thing was that it was very calm and not rushed at all. They got me all hooked up and it took the nurses FOREVER to find Jack's heartbeat. They wouldn't listen to me about where he was which pissed me off so much especially because they kept looking at each other all concerned that he was in distress or worse. Then my OB came in and told them THE SAME THING I told them about where he was and wouldn't you know it - ughh.

I was wheeled down to the OR at about 9:45 or so. The room was a lot smaller than I thought it would be and I was defintely nervous at this point. I was really nervous for the epidural because since I wasn't really having contractions I was worried that I would really feel the epi. It turns out that it wasn't bad at all and in a minute I had no feeling whatsoever. Then they brought Jamie in and things got started.

Jack Rory was born at 10:17 am weighing 5 lbs 7oz and measuring 18.5 inches long and Brayden James was born a minute later weighing 5 lbs 14 oz and measuring 18.5 inches as well. They did amazingly well right away and went right to the regular nursery where they stayed the entire time we were at the hospital. Jack had a little bit of a blood sugar issue so they gave him a bottle right away and he did just fine. They just monitored his bloodsugar for the first day.

By the time I was out of recovery and the boys were all situated it was about 2 pm - a lot longer than I had expected, but I was so exhausted from the epidural that I didn't really care. When I saw my sons for the first time I was just shocked! I was in love right away!

I stayed in the hospital an extra day and was discharged on Saturday morning after they were circumsized. Jack left weighing 5 lbs 1.5 oz and Brayden was 5 lbs 7.5 oz - such tiny peanuts :)They are just too adorable and we couldn't be happier!

Last growth scan and 33 wk belly pic

I never got around to posting this update so I thought I would do it now.

Our last growth scan was 2 wks ago on 3/20 and baby A was measuring 5lbs 6 oz and baby B was 4lbs 15oz (a month ago they were 4lbs 1oz and 3lbs 15 oz). It's crazy how big they are. I'm so curious to see how close these estimates are to their actual birth weights.

Now for some pics: Here's one from 33 wks.

Too much stress

I feel completely and totally overwhelmed and alone at the same time. The babies are going to be here soon - like possiblly a week soon - and I just feel like Jamie doesn't really get how overwhelming this is for me. I know he is a little overwhelmed by it too - he knows that it will affect his life but I dont think he can possibly sympathize with me about how overwhelming this all is for me- I know that sounds selfish - that I want him to deal with his emotions and sympathize with mine - but that's how I feel.

I still feel mad at him for all the stuff with my borthday and christmas and spending time with me / doing something nice for me but it seriously falls on deaf ears whenever we talk about it and I really just can't getover it. I want to be over it and not feel hurt about it, but it seems that the closer it comes to the babies coming the more upset I get about it because I know once they get here the idea that he will think of doing something nice for me just for the hell of it is pretty slim - and rightfully so - it will be all about the babies and it needs to be all about them, but sometimes I just wonder if he really realizes all that I've sacrificed in the last 2 years. heck within the last month alone the sacrifices have been monumental!! I just want to not be mad about it and I dont know how to and this is stressing me out.

The other thing that is stressing me out is the situation with my father. It's been over 5 wks since we've talked and I just feel so angry that he can't make the simplest effort to check in with me knowing that I am near the end. He obviously doesn't care enough to call me so I havent called him (especially after all of the baby shower drama - which he never "fixed"). What's really stressing me is the responsibilty of making a phone call is going to fall on me because I will have to call him to tell him that I am either in labor or that the babies are already here. I just dont know when to call him. I feel like if I dont call him before they are born while I'm in the hospital he will be pissed - which I dont really care about - I just don't feel like dealing with the fall out of not having called him. But then again I just feel like I should call him after they are born and inform him of what's been going on. ughhh

All of this on top of being a hormonal mess. I need a break from all this crap. I just wish someone could wisk it all away and just make things happy and normal.

Starting to get nervous

Knowing that the clock is ticking, I feel like I'm starting to get overwhelmed. I mean I could go into labor any minute and while I know I'll be ok when they get here - OMG they could be here any minute. I'm not sure if I can put my finger on what is making me nervous but there are just so many things.

What will I feel like after they get here? While I still think a c-section is the best choice for me and the babies, I am totally freaking out over it. The epidural is freaking me out. I'm worried it will hurt, but then I think of all the stuff I've been through to get to this point and how scared I was at each new step along the way and I realize that I've gotten through it so I should be fine. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown. I know that my recovery after the c-section mght be pretty bad, but it could also be pretty ok so I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. The funny thing is that for years I've been ok seeing c-sections on tv shows and whatnot - thinking that doesn't look too bad - but knowing that it will be my belly cut wide open is a few weeks terrifies me all of a sudden. And I know Jamie will be great with it all, but I am nervous about how he'll handle everything with me and the babies once they get here. I just hope I feel well soon.

What if the babies are difficult? I just don't know how I'll tackle it all. I know we just have to take it all one step at a time, but just thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong is really killing me. I never even thought about NICU time, but what if? What if something is wrong with them even if they do wait until 37 wks? It's just too much to even think about so I guess up until this point I haven't thought about it and now that it is soooo close the sheer thought of it alone is overwhelming.

And even though I'm terrified of all of this, I can't help but be beyond excited. I can't wait for my sons to be here. Still can't wrap my head around it all, but I am so excited for this all to happen.

We went for our LAST growth scan on Friday 3/20 and baby a was estimated at 5 lbs 6 oz and baby b was estimated at 4 lbs 15 oz - so it looks like the chunky baby gods are on our side. Now it's just a matter of waiting for their lungs to be developed enough for me to be ok with them coming. I want them here when they are ready, but I would be lying if I didn't say I want them out!! It's getting really tough physically to do this and I will give it my all, but sooner rather than later would be great. Dr. T wants to take me off of the terbutaline at 36 wks at which point Dr. G thinks I'll go into labor - so I'm interested to see if that changes Dr. T's plan. I see him again on Monday so I guess we'll know at that point.

I just can't believe that we are at the point of talking about when they'll be here - and it's right around the corner. How exciting, terrifying, exhiliaritng and amazing all at the same time :)

29 days to go!!!

And that's at the most! I can't believe that in less than a month I will officially be a mommy. I'm so excited, yet at the same time, I'm starting to get terrified. I'm not worried about what I'll do with then or with how much work it will be (because as I've said all along - it's going to be overwhelming one way or the other so why stress about it now) but it's just crazy to know that we will have two children. Stupid crap - like we'll have two little boys in little league in a few years, and they'll both be driving at the same time - like this has been making me anxious. For some reason, having babies doesn't scare me - I'm beyond excited for that - but being parents is worrying me. I know that the parenting part is really going to be the full time job for the long haul and it's drastically going to change things. I'm very excited for it all, but I just found it kind of weird that with less than a month left these are the things that are on my mind.

There are parts of me that are worried about actually bringing home babies, but for some reason I feel an odd sense of calm about it all. I don't want to curse myself and say that it'll all be fine, because I know it will be more work than I've ever done, but I'm not too worried about it all. I have a feeling that things will just fall into place because that's how it's always been for Jamie and I - we just figure things out as wel go along and things just work for us.

I just can't believe that the babies will be here in a month OR LESS!!!! I have to guiltily admit that there is a part of me that hopes they make their entrance sooner rather than later - AS LONG AS THEY ARE HEALTHY. They've been doing so well up to this point so I think a month is a pretty good goal, but I would be ok if they came at 36 or 37 weeks as well. I guess we'll just have to see how things go.

A letter to my pregnant body

Dear Body,

I love that you are pregnant! I absolutely love feeling these little guys kick and squirm and hiccup inside of me (though we need to talk about the kicks below the belt - those hurt a bit). I love that you are working with this pregnancy and not fighting it and that so far it has been complication free and I hope that you appreciate the fact that I am no longer working - see I do listen if you yell loud enough. With all of that said, and please know that I mean every appreciative word I've uttered, here is a list of things I'd like to see improvement on.

1. Stretch marks - I understand that they are part of the game but seriously do they need to burn?? This is getting a little ridiculous lately. I can't even put a shirt on whitout cringing a little.

2 - The swollen ankles - aka the tree trunks - I mean seriously!! Even days when I do nothing my feet are swollen. This is a bit crazy. My socks make deep dents in my legs that actually throb! And while we're on the subject of feet - can I please put my own shoes on again at some point. It's been weeks since I've been able to put my shoes and socks on - this is a cruel joke right?? I mean I know I can't see my feet but I know they are still there and I'm well aware of the fact that I still need to dress them.

3 - This is a new one but still pretty annoying - the carpal tunnel. My hands ache so much that it wakes me up at night and I want to cry. I think I can get past this one if they hadn't been falling asleep for months. I need hands - so stop falling asleep or aching all the time. This is not fun nor is it necessary.

4 - Here is my biggest complaint - the back and hip pain!!! I mean c'mon - this is insane. It takes me a solid 2 minutes to just roll over in bed at night - something I have to do every 30 mins or so because my hips hurt so badly. It is not nice that I look like a 90 year old when I get up. I have never been so achy in my life and I serioulsy want to cry every time I have to go to the bathroom - which is obviously every other minute or so at this point - because I just know how much effort and energy it is going to take me to just get up and take that first step.

Ok - I'm glad that's all off my chest because I just don't want to complain about it to anyone else. I feel so unbelievable lucky that I'm at this point - pretty much complication free - and that of all the pains I'm feeling they are of the lesser variety. I haven't had all too many of the "unsavory side effects" of pregnancy so I know I shouldn't really complain.