More sad news

I was pregnant again for two whole days (sense the sarcasm??). It turned out to be a chemical pregnancy and I emailed the dr. to see if he thought there was any reason for concern since this ws our second "loss" even though they aren't really "counting" this one. Well f*ck you. You didn't read that stick that said pregnant. You didn't wake your husband up from a dead sleep to make him read it. You have't been trying for over a year and a half to just have your little bubble of hope broken in an instant.

I guess the good part of it all is that the steps for IVF#1 are already in place. I start BCP tomorrow. I'm trying not to be too upset; I'm trying to "chose" to be ok with it, but it's a little harder than I thought. It just brings back so many painful memories. I know I'll be fine, but I just hope and pray that there isn't anything wrong that we don't know about. I know technically you're supposed to have 3 losses before RLP but I hope he'll do one now. If there's something wrong we defintely need to know now.

A little revelation never hurt anyone....

I was running today and watching A Baby Story (naturally I would gravitate to something that makes me remember the one thing that depresses me.....that makes sense right?). Back to the point. As I was watching the show, they were saying something about the baby's heart rate and how she might not be able to have a natural birth and all that crap and I realized that I put way too much stock in the numbers of things.

What's my follicle measuring? What was my progesterone? What was Jamie's count? How much do I weigh and how much should I lose? When can we start the next course of action? I think you can see the pattern. I thought back to seeing my baby's heart rate at our first sono and it was a healthy 167. We felt reassured; things were where they needed to be. Well, we all know how that worked out.

Also, as I was running (for 40 minutes might I add) I was actually questioning my weight. I know I am overweight, but it's not like I don't try. I'm actually doing something good for both my health and my fertility and here I am belittling myself. Serioulsy, what is wrong with me?

Here's my revelation, I have to stop putting so much faith in how things look on paper. I have to start putting some faith in the postive choices that I make in my life. We are doing all that we can to conceive and I am trying to do all that I can to make myself as healthy as possible for that journey. Hopefully, it's a revelation that sticks.

To break or not to break... that is the question

So with our one cycle break looming, I posed the question today of whether or not we should take a cycle off. That is over course under the guise that I would actually ovulate on my own (haha... like that would ever happen). And we decided... drum roll please.... that we would just take this month off.

It isn't worth the heartache of even considering another loss. I know that even if the IVF does work, it doesn't mean that it will safeguard us from another loss, but I just feel like there will be more control (of course one of my issues that need work). So I asked Jamie what he thought and he agreed that we should take some time off. I think it will be good for us; we need some 'us' time. And I just don't know how much more my body will take.

On the 'me' front, I have defintely decided to give up the wine. I just know it is what's keeping me from even beginning to think about losing weight. The thing is, I just don't know if I can. I really don't know what keeps me from not being able to go without it. I wonder if it's the "if you tell me what not to do then I'll just do it" mentality, but ahhh who knows. In other words, the date on which wine will go RIP is still to be announced.

Oh what a long strange trip.....

S0 I'm not 100% sure why I decided to start blogging. But I can't think of a better place to begin than the beginning.

5/7/07 - I found out I was pregnant. It was the single most happiest day of my life. I'll never forget the look on my husband's face when I told him (and then told him three more times because he didn't believe me the first time); I'll never forget the look on our parents' faces when they opened their bibs that read "I love Grandma/pa" or the screams of pure joy that came out of the rest of our family when they learned our good news.

7/2/07 - I found out I was not pregnant. It was the single most devestating day of my life. I was getting ready to go to the doctor and I was standing in front of the mirror thinking that "my body doesn't look pregnant anymore" while I was also noticing that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I had this overwhelming premontion from day one that this pregnancy would not end well, but no one would hear it and let's face it, I didn't really want to bring it up; no one wants to hear about loss. So I convinced myself that it was just the end of the first trimester and my symptoms were probably just naturally lessening.

The image on the screen of my baby (heart no longer beating) is forever seared into my brain.

5/24/08 - So now here we are over a year later and not pregnant again. We've been through infertility treatments since September 07 to no avail. In fact, we just found out that IUI #3 was a BFFN. We will be doing IVF this summer and I can't say that I've lost all hope. In fact, there's part of me that's actually excited to do IVF because it might actually work (but if it doesn't....)

I'd like to think that doing IVF will finally motivate me enough to go to the gym daily and maybe shed 10 lbs or so before we get all of this underway. Maybe it will motivate me enough to cut down my wine intake (a pleasure which I have indulged in since the miscarriage a bit too much). Maybe it won't. That's the funny part; I used to think that I knew what my life had in store for me. I used to think that I could plan everything out; maybe that's the point of all this: to teach me to lose control a little bit. But maybe I'm just searching for meaning just so this all doesn't hurt so much. I really have no clue.

All I know is that I want to go back in time to last year and change whatever cosmic alignment caused me to lose my baby in the first place. I know I did nothin wrong and no one is to blame, but I just want to be pregnant again. I want to see everyone's smiles and see the look or shock and love on Jamie's face when I tell him again that we're having a baby. Even though I know I did nothing to bring all of this on, I just feel like I've taken so much joy out of not only our lives, but out of everyone else's too.

Oh what a long strange trip it's been.... and I'm afraid it's only just begun.