Oh what a long strange trip.....

S0 I'm not 100% sure why I decided to start blogging. But I can't think of a better place to begin than the beginning.

5/7/07 - I found out I was pregnant. It was the single most happiest day of my life. I'll never forget the look on my husband's face when I told him (and then told him three more times because he didn't believe me the first time); I'll never forget the look on our parents' faces when they opened their bibs that read "I love Grandma/pa" or the screams of pure joy that came out of the rest of our family when they learned our good news.

7/2/07 - I found out I was not pregnant. It was the single most devestating day of my life. I was getting ready to go to the doctor and I was standing in front of the mirror thinking that "my body doesn't look pregnant anymore" while I was also noticing that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I had this overwhelming premontion from day one that this pregnancy would not end well, but no one would hear it and let's face it, I didn't really want to bring it up; no one wants to hear about loss. So I convinced myself that it was just the end of the first trimester and my symptoms were probably just naturally lessening.

The image on the screen of my baby (heart no longer beating) is forever seared into my brain.

5/24/08 - So now here we are over a year later and not pregnant again. We've been through infertility treatments since September 07 to no avail. In fact, we just found out that IUI #3 was a BFFN. We will be doing IVF this summer and I can't say that I've lost all hope. In fact, there's part of me that's actually excited to do IVF because it might actually work (but if it doesn't....)

I'd like to think that doing IVF will finally motivate me enough to go to the gym daily and maybe shed 10 lbs or so before we get all of this underway. Maybe it will motivate me enough to cut down my wine intake (a pleasure which I have indulged in since the miscarriage a bit too much). Maybe it won't. That's the funny part; I used to think that I knew what my life had in store for me. I used to think that I could plan everything out; maybe that's the point of all this: to teach me to lose control a little bit. But maybe I'm just searching for meaning just so this all doesn't hurt so much. I really have no clue.

All I know is that I want to go back in time to last year and change whatever cosmic alignment caused me to lose my baby in the first place. I know I did nothin wrong and no one is to blame, but I just want to be pregnant again. I want to see everyone's smiles and see the look or shock and love on Jamie's face when I tell him again that we're having a baby. Even though I know I did nothing to bring all of this on, I just feel like I've taken so much joy out of not only our lives, but out of everyone else's too.

Oh what a long strange trip it's been.... and I'm afraid it's only just begun.