Starting c25k

So today I started training for my 5k in May. I'm doing c25k (couch to 5k) and while total miles and time is a bit less than I would normally push myself to do, it's nice to know the I'm following a program with a goal in mind and not just doing whatever I feel like. I got up at 5 and hit the treadmill - considering that I was up with Luke at 2:30 am this is a big accomplishment. Normally, I would say I'm too tired / this is crazy or something along those lines and stay in bed - but I didn't! That's the victory I'm celebrating today.

As for my run, I did the week 1 day 1 run (5 min walk warm up then 20 mins of alternating 1 minute jogging with 90 seconds of walking then a 5 min cool down). So in 30 mins total (10 of which were spent walking I did 1.9 miles - another thing to celebrate. After this morning's run, I think I can push myself a little harder on Wednesday.

Been a while

To say the least. A lot has happened over the last almost 3 years like, oh I don't know, HAVING ANOTHER BABY!!

Anyways, I'm not sure if I'm going to keep up with the blogging (might be a good way to keep myself busy while I'm on maternity leave) but I know that I am got g to keep up with my weight loss and fitness goals (feel kind of ashamed that I started the same goals 3 yrs ago - makes me wonder what the heck happened after "day2" last time!

I feel re-energized and know that I am a completely different person this time (this time meaning post baby). I'm not sure how I'm going to get there or what the path looks like (heck what the point of the blog might even be) but I know that I am going to find myself through this whole process. I'm tired of always saying "what would I be like if I was thin / in shape / in control / proud of myself / HAPPY".

So here goes: I will find myself. I will be happy with who I am. I will be proud of my accomplishments. I will be more than a number on a scale. For the first time in my life, I will be me for me and for no one else:)

Day 2

I did not weigh myself today. In order to face the reality that my body will not change over night, I had to fight the desire to get on the scale to see what yesterday's results were. I have to start looking for daily results in places other than the scale. So where to look today?? I feel really good about this whole new approach thing. To be honest, and I know I'll have to be along this journey, I consciously knew that I would not lose all of my 92.5 pounds in one day, but every morning when I stepped on the scale I was looking for some kind of payoff. I was looking to be one pound less and when it wasn't, it was like a free ticket to do whatever I wanted because obviously the previous day wasn't worth it.

I feel like something has clicked and I really realized that this is not going to be over in day. 52 weeks from now I'd like to be pretty darn close to my goal of 150 pounds. At 2 pounds a week that would put me at 140 pounds. Setting my goal is the part I struggle with. According to my BMI and to charts (which I've never really paid too much attention to), 150 is a healthy BMI for my height. That's 92.5 pounds and 140 pounds would be 104 pounds. When I look at myself, I realize that I am overweight and that I need to lose a significant amount of weight, but 104 pounds, heck even 92.5 pounds seems like a lot. I don't want to cut myself short and say I'll only lose 30 pounds, but 104 seems like so much. I guess admitting that I have that much to lose is part of the struggle of setting a goal. I wish there was a way around setting a number goal, but there just doesn't seem like there is. I could say that I want to get healthier and more active and it would be true, but it's not the whole truth. The reality is that I want to lose weight - a lot of weight and in order to get there I will need to be healthier and more active and be much more honest with myself.

That's the point of this whole thing I guess; to be more honest with myself. If I can write out what I feel every day and what I do every day to help me get to my goal, then maybe, just maybe, I can finally overcome this lifelong hurdle.

7/15 - No carbs again. I did a lot today before I ate and I know that it's not the healthiest way to go, but things just get in the way. I also went for a 30 min walk this morning with the boys. I walked hard and sweated my ass off. I chose not to run every other block like I did last week because I know that when I run, I tend to walk a bit more slowly on the blocks when I have to walk. So I walked hard pretty much the whole time. When I came home I also did 10 push ups; 15 of three different types of bicep curls; and 15 of 3 different types of triceps.

The hope is to go for a walk again later - doubt I'll make it to the gym with no one to watch the boys and that's ok. I just have to really go for the second walk and really push myself.

My Journey to 150

It has to be pound by pound, but I am determined to get down to 150. That's a whopping 92.5 pounds to go as of today. Don't get me wrong - I love my babies more than anything and I would have gained a thousand pounds if it meant that they were safe and sound, but being pregnant really took a toll on my body and I am currently the most upset, depressed, grossed out and stressed I've ever been about my weight. I can't ever remember a day that I didn't think about my weight. Ever since I was a little girl, my weight has been an issue. The funny thing is that when I look back at pictures from high school (when I thought I was GIGANTIC) I see an amazingly beautiful girl. I wish I was her all over again; I wish I could go back in time and shake her to her senses and tell her how gorgeous she is; make her realize that every minute she wastes thinking about her weight and her body is a minute she uses on feeding her fears; becoming less confident; beating herself down.

I know that I won't lose 20 lbs in a week; this is going to be a pound by pound journey. It's going to be a long one too, but I can not beat myself up anymore. I have to have the confidence to know that I can make it; that I can be the woman I want to be and not just in looks or in weight, but in confidence and self acceptance. I have to make this the first day of a new life.

So here's what I did today on my journey to 150: yardwork for 45 mins; the gym for 1.5 hours (2 classes); and no carbs. The first class was a killer. It was step aerobics for 45 mins and while I didn't get all of the moves, after not having been to the gym consistently for almost a year, I did pretty damn well! I sweated my ass off and it was great. The next class was OK. I wasn't thrilled with the instructor; she just seemed a bit off, but the important part is that I still stayed. Ok so my butt and gutt don't feel too much different today, but I did it!!!

I love my babies

I can't believe they are almost 2 weeks old. I really do feel like my water just broke this morning and that we just got them, and then on the other hand it really feels like they have been here all along. I'll be very honest here - it was really hard to be head over heels in love with them right away. I was exhausted, in pain, swollen, overwhelmed and unbelievably frustrated with breast feeding that I had a really hard time bonding with them right away. Now that I'm not BF'ing and I've tried to calm down and take a "wait and see" approach to pumping, I really feel like I'm able to really enjoy them soooo much more. My heart absolutely melts everytime I see them and I actually don't dread feeding times - well except the 4 am one, but who wouldn't resent that!

In retrospect, I wish I hadnt stuck so hard to my breastfeeding routine in the hospital. It wasnt working then and I dont know why I didnt see that it wasnt. I feel like I really missed out on their first few days, but now just thinking about that, it makes it a whole lot easier to look at this pumping situation from different eyes. Yes feeding them breast milk is important to me, but not being a good mom for ANY reason is just not acceptable to me. I have to be able to more than feed them and if all I can focus on is their meals then I am not focusing on loving them as much as I can. Just realizing that fact alone makes me a better mommy and that is the most important thing to me! OMG I can't believe I'm a mommy!!! How crazy is that?!?!

My Birth Story

I can't believe i get to post this especially since they weren't "scheduled" to be born until this Friday, but here goes.

Sunday 4/5 7:30 pm - took my last terbutaline and joyfully threw the bottle away! At this point I was secretly hoping that things would hapen sooner rather than later because Iwas just miserable, but at the same time I was totally expecting to make it to my scheduled c-section on Friday 4/18. I was having contractions pretty much the entire time I was on the terbutaline, but they weren't horrible. Looking back, I had A LOT of contractions that weekend and they were getting much worse, but I just attributed it to the general feeling of crappiness that I was growing accustomed to.

Monday 4/6 3 pm - Had my weekly OB appointment and was slightly disappointed that there as no progress. My cervix had shortened but no dialation. My blood pressure was also starting to creep up, but my urine was negative and I was so close to the end anyway that there was no real concern. That night Jamie and I went shopping and I really think the walking around (for almost an hour because it took me forever to do anything pregnant) helped move things along.

Tuesday 4/7 - Ironically, I had a really great night sleep - the last for a while! I got up to pee around 6:30 am and my water broke. I was so nervous that if my water ever did break that I would confuse it for peeing myself, but there was no second guessing this. Jamie woke up and helped me get situated and we called the doctor. The boys were going to make their apprearance TODAY!!!! I called my mom and we all headed to the hospital.

From the moment we got to the hospital to the time the boys were born was only about 2.5-3 hours, but the odd thing was that it was very calm and not rushed at all. They got me all hooked up and it took the nurses FOREVER to find Jack's heartbeat. They wouldn't listen to me about where he was which pissed me off so much especially because they kept looking at each other all concerned that he was in distress or worse. Then my OB came in and told them THE SAME THING I told them about where he was and wouldn't you know it - ughh.

I was wheeled down to the OR at about 9:45 or so. The room was a lot smaller than I thought it would be and I was defintely nervous at this point. I was really nervous for the epidural because since I wasn't really having contractions I was worried that I would really feel the epi. It turns out that it wasn't bad at all and in a minute I had no feeling whatsoever. Then they brought Jamie in and things got started.

Jack Rory was born at 10:17 am weighing 5 lbs 7oz and measuring 18.5 inches long and Brayden James was born a minute later weighing 5 lbs 14 oz and measuring 18.5 inches as well. They did amazingly well right away and went right to the regular nursery where they stayed the entire time we were at the hospital. Jack had a little bit of a blood sugar issue so they gave him a bottle right away and he did just fine. They just monitored his bloodsugar for the first day.

By the time I was out of recovery and the boys were all situated it was about 2 pm - a lot longer than I had expected, but I was so exhausted from the epidural that I didn't really care. When I saw my sons for the first time I was just shocked! I was in love right away!

I stayed in the hospital an extra day and was discharged on Saturday morning after they were circumsized. Jack left weighing 5 lbs 1.5 oz and Brayden was 5 lbs 7.5 oz - such tiny peanuts :)They are just too adorable and we couldn't be happier!

Last growth scan and 33 wk belly pic

I never got around to posting this update so I thought I would do it now.

Our last growth scan was 2 wks ago on 3/20 and baby A was measuring 5lbs 6 oz and baby B was 4lbs 15oz (a month ago they were 4lbs 1oz and 3lbs 15 oz). It's crazy how big they are. I'm so curious to see how close these estimates are to their actual birth weights.

Now for some pics: Here's one from 33 wks.